Lightning Never Strikes Twice
by EmerlizleCullen
Summary: Bella's had a rough run with heartbreak. And she believes that, like lightning, love never stikes the same place twice. Edward thinks it's rare just to have it strike once. Both have a little something to teach each other. Future lemons. AH.
1. Never Love Again

I knew I was being ridiculous.

This kind of thing happened all the time and people generally moved on…

But most of the time they're not seventeen.

And most of the time, death was all an accident

I had been trying to tell myself that it wasn't my fault. But how could it not have been? There are warning signs for this kind of thing, and I missed them. I should have looked, listened. What kind of friend, let alone girlfriend, had I been to let this happen?

But now, here I was, dressed in black, mourning the loss of the only guy that I had ever loved: my childhood sweetheart, Jacob, who I had been dating for a year.

Jacob had taken his own life, and I had done nothing to stop him.

Even if I hadn't seen the warnings, if I was of any importance to him, he would have at least spoken to me about it, right? Why did he wait until he was gone to break the silence? Didn't he know that I loved him with everything I had? Didn't he realize that even if the rest of the world meant nothing to him, I would still be there? Was I not enough for him to stay alive? Didn't he know how far I would go for him? That no matter what he lost, he would never lose me?

And now I had lost him.

I had always loved Phoenix. It had been my home for sixteen and a half of my seventeen years. I had lived in the Pacific North West the first six months of my life, but when my parents got divorced, my mother, Renee, escaped with me. Phoenix had been my sanctuary. Here, there was no rain to dampen your spirits. No one ever said "the sun'll come out tomorrow" because it was already out today. Phoenix was our pocket full of sunshine.

Now, despite the fact that there wasn't a single cloud in sight, my world was damp and rainy for the first time. The only person, other than Renee and her new husband, Phil, that I was ever able to connect with, was gone. I couldn't depend on my mommy forever. But there was no way I could face the people that I went to school with. The people who probably wouldn't have paid attention to me if they didn't know that my boyfriend was dead.

_I have no other choice, _I told myself as my mind pondered my only escape, an escape I dreaded.

The only way that I was going to get out of here was to go back to live with my dad in the pretty much flooded little town of Forks, Washington.

The downside: I wasn't kidding when I said that it was pretty much flooded. Though Hawaii has more rain than any other state, Forks probably has more rain that any other town...and that's remarkable considering how small of an area it is to rain on. The town was only 3.1 square miles, 100 inches of rain a year, and nobody that I knew other than my father, Charlie.

The upside: There's not very a large population. Jacob had really been the only one other than my family that I had connected with. I wasn't much of a social person. Where there's not very many people, there's less people to talk to. I wouldn't have as many possibilities for someone to possibly pester me.

The people in Forks probably knew who I was, with my father being the chief of police there, but no one had to know what had happened. My mother and I hadn't even called my father about Jacob, yet. The word could not have possibly spread if my dad didn't know. As long as he just knew that we weren't seeing each other any more, my father didn't need to know any more. Word wouldn't spread, and no one would be sorry for me.

My mind was, unfortunately, made up.

As I packed, Renee tried to persuade me not to go. I only saw Charlie for two weeks every year, and she assured me it was bound to be awkward. Like it wasn't awkward now? She tried to sell me on the points that I had made to myself earlier, like the rain. But anything was better than being stuck with all these memories. Seeing Jacob in my mind everywhere I went.

Before I got on the plane, I asked my mother, as politely as I could, not to tell my father about Jacob. I told her that I would tell him when I felt ready. She agreed.

The entire flight I did nothing but think. I should have watched the movie they were playing, but I was dumb enough not to distract myself. I wondered if I was being weak. People really did get over this kind of stuff. Or at least they moved on. That's why people got remarried after their spouses died. Granted, most remarriages were due to divorce nowadays, it still happened.

Why did I think this was the end of the world? I knew I would never completely get over Jacob's absence, but surely I was something without him. Wouldn't he want me to move on? I would understand that he might be a little jealous if I had found someone else, but it would be better than watching me suffer, right? If he would rather me be miserable in my determination not to live normally than at least make something of my life was he worth anything to me at all?

One thing was for sure: I would never stop loving him. No matter who I met, no matter what I did or didn't tell anybody, no matter what I did or didn't do. He had been too big of a part of my life that there was no replacing him.

I made a resolution. Technically I had never broken up with him, so any dating could be considered cheating. But I didn't have to live in lonliness if I didn't want to. If somehow, I found a way to be social despite my current pessimism, I would allow myself to be happy without him. It was a less corny, less depressing way of saying "I'll never love again."

I couldn't help but wonder, however, if I really would have ended up with Jacob, had he lived. Not that I ever doubted him, but there was this thing that my mother said to me when she remarried. I had questioned her about why she was marrying Phil. It wasn't like she hadn't loved my father, but yet that marriage didn't work out. She told me that you may end up with the wrong person, because you stop looking when you only _think _that you've found the right one. She said that she didn't even know if Phil was the perfect match for her. That there was no way to ever know if there was someone better than who you settle for.

That's why she always encouraged me not to get married until I was older. It meant I had longer to look, more people to try out. She thought that if I just married the first guy I dated, I would cheat myself out of the perfect person.

Well, she didn't have to worry about that anymore, with Jacob impossible to marry now. But it made me think. Jacob hadn't told me anything about his plans for suicide. Wouldn't someone consider ones they loved, thinking about how hurt others would be if they left?

I still loved him. No matter what he did to me, no matter what he did that could make me hate him for only moments at a time. Even if he thought that I wasn't enough to keep him living. There was still that sense of companionship that I had never felt with anyone else.

I sighed when I saw my father waiting for me at the airport. He did, in fact, ask about Jacob, and I told him that we weren't together anymore. He welcomed me into an awkward, one-armed hug, surprised me with the news that he had bought me a truck, and led me outside, where his police cruiser waited for us.

It didn't take me long to unpack. I wasn't much of a pack-rat, so I didn't have many things. I knew that my father would not go through my room, but I still felt the need to hide all of my pictures of Jacob that I didn't have the heart to throw out. In a matter of 45 minutes, all of my things were organized and easy to find.

As I climbed into bed that night, I could only wonder what was going to happen tomorrow. It would be the first time that I would ever go to school without Jacob by my side, holding my hand. I would be the odd one. Everyone else grew up together here. I would be stared at, and maybe someone might initiate a conversation. Maybe I could be social, if only I let myself.

There was only one way to know...and in a matter of hours, I would find out.


	2. A Long Face

I knew that I was lucky. I had a face that any guy would kill for, lots of money in the bank, and a nice Volvo that I drove to school in. College wouldn't be hard to afford, and girls were swooning at my feet. My brothers were the stars of the football team, and my sisters could easily take turns winning homecoming _and _prom queen.

But for the same reasons I was unlucky. I could simply dazzle people into doing what I wanted, simply by accident. And with all of the money that everyone knew my family had, I could imagine what those yearning girls were after. With all of the perks, how could I tell if anyone was being real with me?

I thought that, despite my financial status and good fortune, I had it pretty bad.

I didn't think that after lunch the day that she arrived. The town had been buzzing about the police chief's daughter coming to live with him after seventeen years. I had seen her on occasion during her annual two-week visit, but had never met her. When she walked into the cafeteria, I didn't even have to talk to Isabella Swan to know that she was suffering. For reasons worth complaining about. Just looking at her, I wondered how I had ever thought that my luck had been torture in disguise. This girl was the tortured one.

My sibilings' conversation no longer held my interest. I spent the rest of lunch staring at the new girl, which I knew would probably make her feel even more uncomfortable, but at least I wasn't staring at her in the odd way. I was sure my face was composed into an expression of concern. It didn't seem to make a difference, though. Isabella never took her eyes off of her lunch tray.

What possibly could have happened to someone to make them hurt like that? I wondered why she had finally come to Forks after all this time of living with her mother. Did her mother kick her out? Did she choose to leave? And if she did choose, why move here from somewhere like Phoenix? Why not move in with some other relative?

I looked at my sister, Alice. She was probably the perfect candidate for welcoming Isabella, if Isabella was interested in socializing. Alice never pried. She was cheery and high-spirited. It was amazing that Alice didn't have more friends than she did, but at the same time, that was her choice. My brothers and I were each good-looking and Rosalie and Alice had to deal with girls who tried to be friendly with them to get close to us, and they had devastatingly good looks of their own. Alice chose her life of solitude just as we chose ours. Rosalie _almost_ welcomed it. She loved attention, but none of the guys here were good enough for her.

Isabella caught me staring at her only a couple of times, but unlike most people, I couldn't read her that well, just by looking at her. I couldn't tell if she thought I was a freak, if she was just one of those girls hoping I would ask her out, or if she knew that I was trying to be friendly. No matter how many times she looked in my direction, though. I never let my eyes drift. I knew around me it must have looked rude, but I felt if I stopped watching her for even one moment, it would get worse. That didn't seem possible, but it felt that way.

My spirits were both lifted and lowered at the same time when I discovered that Isabella was in my Biology class. It made me happy that I could attempt to be friendly with her without it being awkward (The only available seat was next to me. What wouldn't be normal about a lab partner being friendly?). But at the same time, it was sad to see anyone look that depressed.

"Hello. I'm Edward Cullen. You must be Isabella," I started when she sat down next to me. I tried to give her the warmest smile I could put on my face. Maybe my ability to dazzle would help in this situation.

"It's Bella," she snapped, without as much as a smile. Wow. She was worse off than I thought. Or maybe she didn't like thinking that I was taking pity on her or something. Either way, no one had ever lashed at me like that, not even my parents when I was in trouble.

I didn't have much time to ask anything else, because right then, Mr. Banner came in.

"I'm sure it is no surprise," he began, "but we have a new student. Everyone, please give a warm welcome to Isabella Swan. Isabella, would you like to tell us about yourself?" he inquired.

"Not particularly. Except that I go by Bella," she announced, more polite than she had with me. At least she could maintain some sort of manners, despite whatever was up her ass.

"And what brings you to Forks, Bella?" Mr. Banner wondered. Couldn't he see that she was bothered? One would think that he would have enough common sense to just leave her alone.

"Oh, the chariot that was supposed to drop me off at hell missed its turn and dropped me off a few layers too soon. Actually, many layers, considering how cold it is here," she commented, almost in a mumble.

She thought that she deserved hell. Even though I had no ties to her whatsoever, I had to watch her. Didn't anyone see how badly she was hurting herself? I knew that I deserved detentions when I got them, but that didn't mean that I didn't try to talk my way out of them. Even if she believed that she deserved hell, wouldn't she try to get out of it anyway?

Bella was sitting alone at lunch the next day. I had no reason to want to, but I wanted to befriend her. I had no implications, no signs to go off of, but I just knew that there had to be more behind the sad eyes and sunken face. Forks high had gotten a few new students over the past few years, none of which acted like Bella. So it was definitely more than just loneliness.

Alice eyed me suspiciously when I left the table, but I didn't answer the question in her eyes. Instead I walked, without a falter in my step, to the table where Bella sat. Bella looked up at me cautiously.

"What do you want?" she wondered harshly when I put my hand on the back of the seat across from her.

"Is this seat taken?" I asked, gesturing to the chair underneath my hand.

"Just take it and go," she replied. She obviously thought that I meant to carry it to another table. It was as if she _wanted _to repel people.

"What I meant was 'would it be alright if I sit with you today?'" I rephrased.

"Why would you want to?" she questioned.

"Because I thought you might want someone to talk to," I explained.

"Trust me, there's only one person who I want to talk to right now, and trust me, he's not exactly listening," Bella stated.

"I don't think I understand..."

"Good. It's better that way," she told me, with a sense of finality.

Bella puzzled me. She was definitely the suffer in silence type. But who didn't want to share there hurt? As the phrase goes: shared joy is double joy, shared sorrow is half sorrow. Getting it off of her chest might help her lighten up, but apparently she didn't want that.

"What do you want to talk to him about?" I wondered. "Maybe I can be of at least the slightest assistance."

Bella seemed to think about it for a while. Probably considering the pros and cons of letting any anger out on someone she didn't exactly care as much for, or at least practicing.

"I wanted to ask him a few questions," she finally told me.

"Like what?" I pried, feeling slightly guilty. She was probably really vulnerable right now. I didn't know if she would be telling me this on a more sane day for her. Did this count as taking advantage of her weakness? At that point, I didn't care. The more I knew about her, the more I could help her, and maybe she would thank me for it later. Maybe not, but it was worth a shot.

She paused again, gathering her thoughts, maybe. Figuring out the best way to word the questions in her head.

"If a choice that you made impacted someone else's life greatly, would you discuss it with them first? Shouldn't you? Especially if you care for that person a lot? And what if you knew that that person thought that you cared about them, but you really didn't? Wouldn't it be nice to let them down easy before making a choice that would ruin their life if they thought that you still cared?" she reeled, making less sense the further she went.

I tried and tried, but the last few questions could piece themselves together in my mind. Obviously someone had made a bad decision that impacted her. And it was someone she had cared for. The only other thing that I caught was that there were implications that the person didn't care for her in return. Since that was all that I could pick out, I went back to the first question.

"Well, every choice that you make eventually impacts someone else. My sister, Alice, never shuts up about things like that. Even the slightest change in plans can change the future completely, so it's impossible to know exactly who your choices would effect, at least in the long run, making it impossible to talk to them. But in a way, I guess you would be right. If the person knew who their decision would immediately effect, they should talk to them, especially if it's someone that they care about. And there really shouldn't be a question about it if it effects the other person negatively," I offered. "I don't think I understand what you meant by the last few questions, though," I continued.

"It doesn't matter. It's a moot point, anyway," she replied, letting it go.

"Do you think you'll be ready when you talk to him?" I asked, not wanting the conversation to end. I knew once it did, that her face would fall. Her eyes would lose the intensity that they had gained when she rattled off her questions, desperate for some kind of answer.

"No. Well, even if I was, he wouldn't listen. He's not exactly someone I can easily reach right now. And he never seemed to listen to me before. I mean he would listen, but didn't exactly take it to heart. Why would this be any different?" she asked me. Then things really didn't start making sense. If he didn't pay attention to her, way care about him? It seemed as if, while it wasn't her fault, Bella had _let _herself get hurt.

"If he never listened to you, why would you care what he did? He obviously didn't care, so he wasn't good enough for you. You shouldn't let what he does bother you. If he doesn't pay attention, he's not worth your time," I assured her. "We'd better get to class before we're late, partner," I reminded her.

I didn't want to be any more creepy by waiting for her, so I went ahead to biology without her. If I had one more tardy in biology, I would get a detention. I had better things to do with my time than sit around with good old Mr. Banner.

"Wait," Bella requested. I turned just about when she caught up with me. "Thanks," she said, with a small smile. "A lot"

Well, it wasn't a guarantee of a friendship, but it was a start.


	3. Fortune and Misfortune

**Authors note: In case you didn't realize, two chapters will be added at a time, one from Bella's perpective, and one from Edward's. After all, this isn't just about Bella's loss of love, it's about Edwards lack of finding it.**

**I do not own Twilight, Edward, Bella, Jacob, Charlie, Alice, etc, etc.**

**

* * *

**I had done what I promised myself I would do: I allowed someone to talk to me. I didn't completely seclude myself.

I began to wonder if Edward's kindness was a one-time deal. A whole "treat the new girl nice" thing. I had never changed schools before, with the exception of moving from Elementary school to middle school, and middle school to high school. And there were so many students in Phoenix, new ones didn't draw that much attention, so I didn't know what was customary behavior towards a new student in Forks.

But Edward's answers to my questions left me thinking. Did Jacob really love me those last few months of his life? I knew he at least thought of me as a close friend: he was always there and ready to help. But did he really return the unconditional love that I had for him? Either way, there was no chance of finding out now, unless we found some journal in which Jacob poured out his love for me. And teenage guys rarely kept journals.

He had never bothered talking to me about any nagging problems he had. Looking back, I couldn't find any signs that could have led to suicide. A girlfriend is supposed to be someone that you can turn to whenever you need help. I think not knowing any reason to live constitutes the need for a little help. Had he purposely kept the signs hidden from me? Did he really care about what his death would do to me?

And if he didn't care, was he worth wasting time over? Was he worth my grieving if he never paid much attention to me those last few months?

Was it ridiculous that, after all that Jacob had done to me, even if he did realize his death would tear me to the core, I still loved him?

Despite the fact that his death made me want to commit my own suicide, I couldn't forget all that he had done for me. It was like when a wife finds out her husband is cheating on her. She cries for weeks first, and then files the divorce papers. Most people aren't angry with the ones who have hurt them. It just feels like they're angry because they're severing ties with someone that they love.

I went to school the next day in the same haze that I had the previous two days. I slithered by from class to class, expecting no one to pay much attention to me. And for the most part, they didn't, with the rare exception of when a teacher wanted me to answer a question.

The surprise came when I walked into the cafeteria and saw Edward already seated with his food at the table that we sat at the day before. I didn't know much about Edward. I knew that his last name was Cullen (I had peeked at his lab sheet before he turned it in), and he had a sister named Alice (which he had mentioned earlier). He obviously didn't know that much about me for that matter. Why would he want to be around me?

I didn't take my eyes off of Edward the entire time that I stood in the lunch line. He seemed to follow suit. I grabbed my food and sat across from him.

"Are you going to make a habit of this?" I wondered almost rudely. Despite the harshness of my tone, Edward's lips pulled into a gorgeous crooked smile. I had been too worked up yesterday, asking Edward my questions, to really notice his charm. Not that charm meant anything, but it was kind of eye-catching the way that his bronze hair looked amazing, despite the fact that it didn't appear to have been combed that morning. And when a few strands fell into his eyes, I couldn't help but realize the depth of the green in them. As his smile spread, I was drawn to his perfectly sculpted cheekbones. My eye caught the motion of Edward fiddling around with the cap of his soda bottle. Looking down, towards is twiddling hands, I was drawn to the muscular look of his forearms. Where had he come from? Mount Olympus?

"Can't I express my concern for a clearly suffering new classmate?" Edward wondered, in a somewhat mocking tone, breaking me out of my facial study.

"Are you making fun of me?" I asked, slightly offended. Just slightly: I really did appreciate his concern.

"Are we just going to sit here asking questions that don't get answered?" He had a point. Every sentence said so far had been a question. "Do you want to see how long we can keep this up?"

"What's your record?"

"Don't know."

"Ha! You lose," I exclaimed in triumph. I was crazy. I was celebrating a victory against a complete stranger. A sign that wasn't good in any situation, let alone mine.

"When had we made it a competition?" he continued questioning, though the game was over. It almost made me laugh.

"I don't know. Either way I won," I bragged.

"Actually, I kind of won in a way, too. My goal for today was to try and lift your spirits a little bit," he confessed.

"Well, don't hope for any long-term improvements," I warned him. Though I didn't know him very well, I didn't want him to get his hopes up, possibly hurting him. He seemed like the kind of guy who set his mind to something and got it done. If he was trying to help me, it would either take a _really _long time, or not happen at all.

Edward cocked his head to the side.

"Why not?" he wondered.

"Lightning never strikes the same place twice. The only way I'll be happy on a more permanent basis was if it did," I explained metaphorically.

"So...you'll only be happy if you get struck by lightning?" he asked in sarcastic confusion.

"Are you always this sarcastic?" I questioned.

"Only on Wednesdays. On Mondays I'm observant, Tuesdays I'm concerned, and Wednesdays I'm sarcastic. Oh, and you should wait until tomorrow. Thursdays are my hilarious days," he joked. "But seriously, I was just trying to make sense of what you just said. You confuse me a lot," Edward confessed.

"Good, you might spread my life-story around if I told you what I meant. I really don't need that right now. Hell, just the story of the last month would have people sending me to therapists," I predicted.

Edward took a moment to let all of that process. When his green eyes returned to me, they were more concerned than ever.

"Bella, I just want you to know that whenever you're ready to talk about it, I'm here. I'm here anyway, but when you fell like opening up, I'm listening. And I promise I won't tell a soul," Edward swore, without a single falter in his voice. He hadn't even blinked.

"Thanks...but why do you even care?" I asked him. It seemed odd that after only three days of knowing each other that he would be so determined to help me.

"That's a really good question," he admitted. "I guess I've never seen someone hurting as badly as you seem to be. It makes me feel like a jerk for ever feeling sorry for myself in the first place."

"Why would you be suffering?" I wondered.

"Because I have too much," he answered. "My brothers, sisters and I don't know if someone is close to us because they enjoy our presence or the perks. That's why we mostly just hang around each other. And the perks, they're not even mine to have," he said.

I tried to grasp the concept of his last sentence, but the logic escaped me. And why would anyone complain about having too much?

"I don't understand..." I confessed.

"I was adopted a few years ago, Bella. My parents both died long ago of sever cases of the flu. I had gotten sick, too, but somehow I came out alive. I was in the social service system for years. Every year that a foster child ages, his chances of adoption drops. Just the fact that Carlisle and Esme adopted me at age thirteen was a miracle. If my parents hadn't died, I wouldn't have half of the things that I have now," he explained. "If I hadn't survived, if I had just died with them, I wouldn't have had any of it. And now people try to get close to me because of something that never should have happened."

Edward's story made me kind of sad. Not in the way that I felt sorry for him. I mean, he was blessed with his adoptive family. I felt sorry that he wished he was dead with his parents, for feeling that he didn't deserve to live. But mostly, I felt sorry that he thought of it the way that he did, like a curse or something, and I had no problem telling him that.

"You've been given a second chance at life, and this time, life threw you a situation that others would die for, and you just mark it off as some huge burden! You've been given parents, who willingly took you in, despite your age, and shared with you everything that they had. You have a sister who sure as hell seems really insightful, and I don't know much about the rest of your siblings, but you guys seem pretty close with the way you talk about only hanging around each other. And you find that _bad_? Just because your parents died?

"I, personally, would kill for you situation! If both my parents had died and I was sent away, no matter how crappy my foster homes could be, my life would be no where near the hell it is now! If I had been forced from everyone I cared about, I wouldn't...I wouldn't've...I...I h-h-have to g-g-go."

With that I threw away my only half-eaten lunch and ran out of the cafeteria in sobs. My tears we caused by my unfinished statement. If Charlie had died somehow while I was living with my mother, and then she died, too, both of them only children, and both sets of my grandparents dead, I would have become a ward of the state. I would become a foster child, taken away from my friends, people that I loved. I wouldn't have fallen so deep, and it wouldn't have hurt so much when I heard of Jacob's suicide.

I would give anything to have filled Edward's shoes. And he thought of his fortune as a mistake.


	4. Bella's Confession

"If both my parents had died and I was sent away, no matter how crappy my foster homes could be, my life would be no where near the hell it is now! If I had been forced from everyone I cared about, I wouldn't...I wouldn't've...I...I h-h-have to g-g-go."

With that, Bella picked up her lunch and left.

Though I had no connection with her whatsoever, I couldn't help but hurt for her. Something terrible had happened before she had come to Forks, something that would make her dream about an alternate universe where her pain was not an issue. Something that made her wish that she had left Forks sooner. What did she regret? "I wouldn't...I wouldn't've...," she had began. What wouldn't she have done?

Was there anything I could do to help her?

I doubted that I would ever find out, judging by her behavior over the next few days after that conversation. I never saw her come into the lunch room, but sure enough, she was there in biology, only inches away from me, but far outside my reach. She almost never looked up at Mr. Banner, her eyes always on her paper or the lab. The only words that I ever heard out of her mouth were generally among the lines of "pass the microscope, please?"

I missed her voice for some strange and odd reason. Her silence in biology somewhat depressed me. It wasn't just a matter of concern anymore. Something made me feel obligated to help her. It felt like somehow, she was hurting herself more than anyone else ever had, and that I was the only one paying attention. Was everyone else so obtuse? Why was it that the person who is naturally anti-social was only person who might be able to reach her.

I couldn't help but be proud of her anyway. Red flags went up and she knew to follow them. Had she not told me about the red flags in her relationship with that one person back home? She was clever, and definitely very cautious. In this day and age, so many girls were so desperate for so many things that they would give anything for them. Bella would protect herself before letting anyone else but herself harm her ever again, no matter what she wasn't receiving in return.

And she didn't seem to take anything for granted. The way that she had criticized me for not being grateful for what I had was a sure sign of that. No one had ever told me that I was being ungrateful.

The week finished with no resolution to Bella's problems, and no answer to my curiosity.

I decided to find her during lunch on Monday. We had no limitations to where on-campus we could eat, with the exception of the carpeted areas, so really she could've been anywhere in the school other than the classrooms and certain hallways. I finally found her, sitting at one of the abandoned picnic tables in the courtyard.

"Do you really have that much of a desire to sit alone?" I asked her, sitting on the bench opposite of her.

"I'm not alone," she declared.

"So, we're back in elementary school and we have imaginary friends again?" I wondered, teasingly.

"Hm. Shouldn't _Friday_ be your rude day. You hadn't mentioned Friday or rude, yet. You must be off schedule. It's Monday, your observant day," she reminded me. _She _definitely was observant to have remembered all of that.

"I did say that didn't I? Well, are you going to explain your little friend?" I questioned, truly curious as to how she "wasn't alone."

"I guess he is sort of imaginary, but I didn't completely make him up, either," Bella explained, not meeting my eyes with hers. She seemed either embarrassed or nervous to explain.

"I don't think I understand what you're saying," I admitted.

"I don't...um...I don't think I should...I can't," she stammered.

"Bella. I told you I would be here. The fact that I sacrificed my lunch time to come and find you should prove that. I'm not going to tell anyone anything. I'm only here to support you," I assured her, wondering if I sounded like a complete lunatic. She had been here for all of a week and I was already swearing secrecy to her as if I were her best friend.

"Okay, don't think of me as some sort of mental person," she requested. And _I _had thought that she would think _I _was loony.

"Cross my heart," I swore cornily.

"I had this friend, Jacob - "

"Had?" I interrupted.

"I'm getting there. You know, you're not making very many points here in your task of proving that you're concerned," she warned me. She had a point.

"Sorry, that part just kind of stuck out," I apologized.

"Anyway. We had been friends for years. Pretty much our whole lives. He was my best friend and he was always there for me. Our Junior year, we started dating. Everything was working out perfectly. I don't really socialize well, so it felt nice that the only person that I really ever connected had felt that way for me.

"One day, about a month ago, he didn't show up for school, and he hadn't called me or anything, saying that he wasn't coming like he usually did. He knew I didn't like facing the day alone. I may not have been that good with people, but that didn't mean that I hadn't tried. I really didn't like being by myself. Anyway, he didn't call. But when school got out, his father did. He told me that Jacob had killed himself. Or at least it looked like it," she explained.

"What do you mean 'it looked like it?'" I asked her, cocking my head to the side.

"Well, there was no note. From the looks of it, he suffocated himself with house cleaner. There were no signs of struggle. His father had called the cops and all that fun stuff to make sure he wasn't murdered or anything. There was nothing that the cops could find that signified any kind of homicide. Only Jacobs prints were on the bag, and his fathers were the only other prints on the cleaner can. At first, Jacob's father was questioned, but his boss vouched for him that he was at work when Jacob died," she concluded.

"Didn't you talk to him about this? You know, before?" I clarified. Generally depressed people show sings of impending suicide. Bella seemed like the observant type that wouldn't miss a beat. It seemed odd that Jacob's psychological problems would escape her.

"No. That's what I was asking you about earlier. He should have known what his death would have done to me, but he didn't even tell me that he was considering anything like this. He didn't show any sign of disappointment with where his life had been headed. There had been no change in him," she explained, remembering. "That's why I was wondering if he had even cared about me. If he didn't want me anymore, he could have told me that before he killed himself. What he did looks like he meant for me to suffer. It's like he's telling me 'By the way, I hate my life and you didn't make it any better.' How am I supposed to live with that."

It took me a while to respond. Bella had been through a lot. She had to deal with losing the only person that she had been able to connect with. Someone that, from the sounds of it, she had loved unconditionally. Then she had to deal with the burning doubt of his true feelings.

"And your imaginary friend?" I prompted after a few moments of silence (with the exception of Bella's quiet sniffles).

"Well, it's less of an imaginary friend than a presence. Whenever I think of Jacob, I tend to feel him, too. I was just wondering whether he would think that I was being a wuss. I was thinking about what he would say about how I was taking this. Whether he would try to tell me that he did love me after all my questioning. I wondered if he thought moving to escape was an act of weakness," she told me.

"Do you ever think you'll get over it? I mean, of course it'll always hurt, but do you think that you'll be able to live life, grateful that you had all of those years with him? I mean, my parents are dead, and sure I miss them, and I think about them a lot. But Carlisle and Esme have always been there, and I've learned to accept that and be happy with what I you thing that you'll be able to move on?" I wondered.

"And start dating again?" she guessed, predicting my real question. "True love is only once in a lifetime. Like I said, lightning never strikes the same place twice. That's also what I mentioned earlier."

"And you were completely sure that this was true love?" I asked. "No offense, but only one year of dating doesn't determine that," I pressed. "People who get married with shorter dating spans generally are the quickest to divorce, and even those who date for years end up becoming unfaithful. How are you sure that this 'my life is over' Jacob guy was the one that you were destined to be with?" Bella seemed to think for a moment.

"Jacob's skin was always abnormally warm, and thought the heat in Phoenix is extreme, his touch felt right. It didn't feel like it was that hot. Everything felt cold at the end of the day when he went home, and nothing ever meant as much as it did when I wasn't with him," she explained, the grief increased in her eyes with every words that left her lips.

"Once again, I mean no disrespect, but I feel the same way about my family, I mean the whole emotional part," I backfired. "Besides, true love is something that's meant to be. If you and Jacob were destined to be together, do you really think fate or any god out there would really let him leave you? Maybe some sort of higher power killed him because you were still with him when you weren't supposed to be. All I'm saying is that, as hurtful as this may be, it happened for a reason, and you should be open to whatever the change has in store for you," I continued. Then the bell rang.

"I have to go to my locker and get my bio book. I guess I'll see you in class," she announced, beginning to walk off. Then she turned on her heel and looked back at me. "And how do you think I should feel if some god really did kill Jacob because I wasn't listening? Is that supposed to make me feel so much better?" She spun around and headed towards the building.

Even when she was gone, one of her comments still rang in my ears:

"Lightning never strikes the same place twice."

Rarely could you ever mark a spot on the ground and accurately say that lightning would strike it, so the odds of lightning striking any certain place even once is slim. With the divorce rate in America increasing, I wondered if was anyone truly being stuck at all. Or was that some drunk cupid during his first day on the job? Bella had been lucky enough to experience a love that ended the way one should: till the death. But with all the liars and pretenders surrounding me, would I ever be struck even once?


	5. Alice

When Charlie came home, I could pretty much sense the curiosity burning from him. And I didn't blame him for whatever was going on in his mind. After all, I was sitting at the kitchen table, eating a microwave dinner with an ice pack on my forehead. What _wasn't _wrong with that picture.

There were two things that made this situation particularly unusual.

A) I NEVER cook microwave dinners. I'm one who prefers the fun stuff that involves taste-testing and improvising. Frozen dinners were never my thing. I loved to cook. I taught myself how to cook through trial and error after tasting a few of my mother's recipes. Cooking was fun for me. Charlie knew that from the times that I had visited over multiple summers.

B) The ice pack wouldn't be such a big issue, my clumsiness would easily cause me a head injury. The interesting part was that I tied it to my head with a bandana. I never really used that much permanence with my methods of healing, generally only icing or massaging my injuries for ten minutes at most. My strapped-on ice pack made it clear that it wasn't leaving my forehead any time soon.

C) Generally I waited for Charlie to come home before serving dinner.

There was one easy explanation as to my behavior: Stupidity.

I was stupid. Stupid stupid stupid.

Why had I told Edward everything that I had told myself that I wouldn't tell anyone? Why had I trusted him? I still barely knew him. With my horrific luck, word would be spread in no time, my life would be over, and I would have to move back in with my mother, which didn't sound too bad at the particular moment, considering the fact that her and Phil were planning to move to Jacksonville. A completely knew place where no one would spoil my secret.

But then I would probably meet someone just like Edward who would somehow con me out of my story yet again and it would turn into an enless cycle of gossip and rumors about me being in love with a dead guy. Fun stuff.

The ice pack was due to me bashing my head on the kitchen counter over and over and over trying to knock some sense into myself. I should have known that it wouldn't work. It never does. It's just a habit that most people seemed to step into. I hadn't stopped the bashing until I couldn't remember why I was banging my head in the first place. Then I restarted when it had come back to me.

The lack of current mental awareness had led me to make the microwave dinner. I was in no health to be turning on burners and sticking my hand (mitted or not) into ovens. It just wouldn't have ended pretty.

As for the early dinner, well. Let's just say in my haste to leave Edward at lunch that afternoon, I hadn't completely finished my lunch. Generally that didn't do anything to me, but today, in all my nervousness, my appetite grew and I felt no need to wait for Charlie.

"What happened?" Charlie wondered, raising an eyebrow at me. He was no doctor, but he walked over to me and peeked under my ice-pack anyway. I wasn't used to this kind of fatherly protection. Only visiting each other over school vacations didn't exactly help you get that close, and sometimes things got awkward. So I was sort of touched by this small display of affection. "Do I even want to know?"

"Not particularly. It's not that exciting," I explained. "Don't worry. I wasn't completely careless. I made sure there was one for you, too. I just didn't want it to get cold before you got here." I gestured to the freezer and then laid my head on my arm.

"Thanks, Bells." He ducked his head into the freezer and pulled out the other microwave dinner and popped it in for two minutes.

I dismissed myself to go upstairs and do my homework.

When I was finished, I dug up the old photos of Jacob and I, thinking about the conversation Edward and I had.

Did fate have any control over Jacob's perferences to life over death? Maybe my mother was right and you really shouldn't marry the first guy you date, but I didn't believe her. So some god of fate or something had to do something to stop me from making a terrible mistake. Whatever the reason, maybe I wasn't supposed to be with Jacob...

But wasn't I supposed to figure that out for myself? I shouldn't have to have other people tell me the solutions to my problems. Why didn't anything make sense anymore?

What puzzled me most was how Edward's mind worked. Somehow, he had an answer for everything, but all of his answers sparked more questions. And why was he so interested in my pathetic little life, anyway. Oh. Right. Something about my pathetic little life being worse than his "for once" or something like that. EVERYONE had it worse than him. Why did he have to be the only one who attempted to care? Why couldn't I have met someone who would just say "I don't need you to tell me what's going on, just know that I'm here?"

It sounded like he meant it like that at the beginning, but when I told him, couldn't he just have been "oh, I'm sorry. Let me offer my condolenses" or something instead of trying to tell me that it was a good thing that the love of my life just died? That would be like coming to Jacob's funeral in Phoenix and saying "hey, sorry for your loss, but I guess you guys weren't meant for each other."

I thought about that for a while. Then I understood. Kind of. Edward suffered the loss of his parents. He'd had to hear other people's condolenses over and over until social services found a place for him and whisked him away. I'd had to hear others' condolenses and they didn't even care about me. They were just paying their respects to Jacob. He probably figured that I wouldn't want to hear too much pity from him.

And if I was being honest with myself, I truly didn't.

The next day, I sat at my usual picnic table. Edward didn't bug me at all and the sun actually tried to shine a little. I felt like I was going crazy when I realized that I thought the sun was a sign that things were going to get better. I was never that deep. Thoughtful and observant, maybe, but not symbolic. Forks was literally driving me crazy.

It took me by surprise to hear a voice come from behind me.

"Can I sit with you today?"

What surprised me more was that the voice was not Edward's.

I turned to see who the high-pitched melodic voice belonged to. The girl that met my gaze was not what I would have expected. She couldn't have possibly been much taller than five feet, if even that. Her dark hair was syled in short spikes pointing in every direction. Her pixie face glowed in friendliness as she looked down at me.

"Sure?" I allowed, the approval accidentally sounding like a question. I felt guilty, hoping that I didn't offend her with my reluctance.

"I'm Alice," she said, taking her seat on the bench across from me. "Edward's sister..."

"Oh, the one who says that every little thing you do somehow impacts the universe," I remembered. Alice giggled a little. "Why did he send you?"

"He didn't. I chose to come here. Sure, he was the one who told me where to find you, but he didn't send me to do anything," she explained. I could only imagine what Carlisle and Esme Cullen were like if not just one, but at least two of their kids were sensitive and charitable.

"Oh," was all I could say for about a minute. I was completely taken aback. Was curiosity and concern a genetic trait in this family? Then I remembered that Edward was adopted. "What brings you here, then?" I asked her.

"I realized that Edward had been spending a lot of time around you. I must admit I was pretty surprised that he did. I mean, my brother's not a complete jerk, but he doesn't exactly get around. I don't think he's attempted to make any sort of regular acquaintances since our parents took him in. I'm really happy for him though. It's great that he's stepping out of his little bubble," Alice started.

"So, you're coming to thank me for keeping him company?" I wondered, slightly confused. Alice giggled.

"No. Edward looked kind of upset last night, and when he didn't even look for you in the cafeteria today, I asked him why. He said that he was afraid that he might have upset you with some harsh judgement on an ex-boyfriend of yours," she told me. I couldn't tell if she was just watering down what she knew about my "ex-boyfriend" or if that was all that Edward had said about him - that he was my ex-boyfriend. Either way, I was glad she hadn't said any more. "I noticed that he had really been the only one talking to you, making an effort to get to know you. I figured you would probably be lonely, and probably interesting to get to know, considering you caught Edward's curiosity."

"Well...thanks?" I questioned again. Then something came to me. "Are you adopted, too?"

"Yeah. Our whole family is. Esme, our mother, can't have kids. We also have another adoptive brother, Emmett. And our cousins live with us, too. Rosalie and Jasper. Esme's sister couldn't take care of them anymore," Alice detailed.

So generosity may not have been genetic, but it was definitely spread around the family. The Cullens took in three kids to adopt as their own, and put the roof over their niece and nephew's heads. And that generosity was surely passed down, at least to Alice and Edward.

"I don't know what he said to you, or what your situation is, but I want to say that I'm sorry," she began, "I'm sorry for whatever you're going through, and if there's anything I can do to help, I'm here. I also apologize for Edward. He really didn't mean to say anything that might have offended you. He's really judgemental when it comes to certain scenarios. He's also kind of harsh when he expresses his opinions. But just because he believes something, he doesn't expect you to feel that way. He just wants to explain how he sees it, and also maybe help you see things from other perspectives. Sometimes his opinion helps, but it can hurt, too."

I paused for a minute, thinking about my behavior last night. Edward had just been trying to explain how he saw it. Maybe he thought that if he could show me a new way to look at my pain, it wouldn't hurt as much. I really should have appreciated that instead of marking his comments as judgement and just assuming that he was going to tell the whole town every detail of my pathetic love story gone wrong.

"Well, it wasn't him that I was angry at. I guess I was just mad at the situation that I was in. I was also kind of mad at myself a little, but I would have to go into extreme, painful detail for you to understand what I mean by that. Anyway, thanks. Maybe I'll sit with you guys tomorrow, I don't know. That is...if the rest of your siblings will let me. I don't know why, but you kind of make me hopeful. You're so cheery even when you're serious," I noted. Alice laughed a little.

"I get that all the time," she told me. Then the bell rang, marking the end of lunch.

"Well, I'd better go clear the air with your brother," I said, exusing myself.

"I hope I see you tomorrow," Alice expressed.

"Maybe you will."


	6. Denial

It was pretty different for me at lunch that day. Alice had asked me where Bella generally sat and I had told her. So Alice wasn't there. Rosalie and I, well, we kind of agreed to disagree, so she wasn't exactly a candidate for conversation. Then there was Emmett, who's focus was taken by Rosalie. Jasper wasn't really that social with anyone but Alice, so he wasn't much fun to talk to either. I suddenly found myself wishing that I hadn't offended Bella. Even talking about biology homework would be interesting with her.

Lunch felt ten times longer. I found myself looking at the clock constantly, the second hand seeming to slow down the more that I stared. I just wanted to get out of the awkward silence of the cafeteria.

Bella's seat was empty when I walked into the Biology lab. I sighed as the I realized that what I had said might have had a worse effect on her than I had thought. I resolved that if Bella came to class, I was going to set things straight. I slammed my books on the corner of the table.

I was glad that Alice decided to pay a visit to Bella, though. She deserved a friend like Alice. Someone who wouldn't pry, but listen. Someone who could cheer anyone up simply by being there.

I wondered what they could have talked about during lunch. I wondered if Bella ranted about my unacceptable behavior. I wondered if Bella had chosen to tell Alice the story that she had told me.

Most of all I just wondered about Bella. Most girls would cope with most things by eating chocolates, crying, and sleeping in until three in the afternoon thinking that their life was over. Bella made it bluntly obvious that she was suffering. She barely touched her food from what I had seen so there was clearly no chocolate binging, and considering she was at school, which got out at two thirty, she definitely wasn't sleeping in until three. Instead of complaining and moaning and insisting on being lazy in her depression, she moved out of state to try and escape, to find peace rather than to wallow in her suffering.

Bella stumbled into the room clumsily, dropping her books. Her cheeks automatically turned a deep red in embarrassment. She knelt down to pick her books up, keeping her eyes on the ground the entire town. It wasn't until I felt my stomach drop at the when she lifted her face that I realized there was more than just wonder that I felt for her. Adoration. Admiration. The first two words that popped into my head.

I shook the feeling off immediately. The odds were against me, they always were. The more I had thought about love, the more I thought it impossible. How were you supposed to find one person in the world that fit you? There were billions of people in the world. There was no way to possibly meet everyone and determine whether or not it's meant to be that you spend the rest of your lives together. And even if you could, you're probably too old at that point to have much of a life left. Love was a pointless hope.

And even if I did admit that I was falling in love with her, it didn't matter anyway. She only believed in one love per lifetime, and she had already redeemed hers. She wouldn't even look my way if I wanted her to.

Despite my negativity, I couldn't help but notice every good thing about the girl who was just now taking her seat beside me. She always smelled nice. Whenever she flipped her hair over her shoulder, I caught the scent of strawberries. Though I'd never seen her spray herself with perfume, she always seemed to smell like freesia, or some other floral garden. Her brown eyes, despite their darkness, seemed deep. It went with her personality. Her skin was fair, soft looking, like she was a fragile porcelain doll, which probably was true now more than ever.

She was silent for a while, pulling out homework from another class. Her brow creased in confusion. It reminded me of the intuition behind the deep eyes. Her disappointment when she couldn't figure out a difficult math problem brought the memory of her depression, her past, and her attempts to slither away from pity for a chance at another normal life.

One would have thought that, in studying her face so intensely, I would have noticed her staring back at me. But it wasn't until she had said something that I noticed her gaze.

"Hello? What are you staring at?" she inquired.

"Nothing in particular," I replied with some honesty. After all, I was looking at more than one feature of her face, not focusing on a specific one. That could be classified as nothing in particular. "Just staring off into space, I guess. You know how things get by the end of the day..."

"Well, um, I wanted to tell you that I'm not offended by what you said. Your sister told me that you felt that way. I actually think it was enlightening to see things from another perspective and I should really thank you for it," she admitted. "So, thanks," she added awkwardly.

"You're welcome. I hope it helped. How was the rest of your day yesterday?" I questioned, trying to show, in case she still didn't believe me, that I wasn't a jerk, that I wouldn't go telling everybody all of her secrets. After all, I hadn't even told Alice, the most supportive of my siblings.

"Actually not that good," she confessed. "I was thinking and I got really confused...but that was probably because of all of the times I hit my head..."she trailed off. She didn't even say what she had been thinking about or what she had hit her head on. It was starting to make _me _confused.

The bell rang then, making it impossible for me to ask what she meant by that last little bit there. I wasn't sure if I wanted to know either. A lot of girls tried to hurt themselves when they were depressed. But then, I reminded myself, Bella wasn't like most other girls. Plus, had I not just seen her stumble into the classroom? She could have hit her head by accident. And she didn't say anything about all of the head injuries happening last night. She could have been referring to the collective, multiple hits on the head accumulating to last night's confusion.

Anything was possible with this mystery named Bella.

When I got home, I was pretty much quiet all day thinking about my revelations of Bella. I marked off my fascination with Bella as my curiosity. Though, in that moment, I had only thought of adoration and admiration, really it could have been amazement. I was amazed that she had been able to distinguish herself so differently from most other girls, create such a fine line between herself the the majority. How she was able to change my mind about how all girls were after the same thing out of a rich, good-looking guy.

Bella didn't mope, didn't care what people thought of her...it didn't even seem like she put on much makeup. She wasn't desperate to date anyone, if fact, she was the complete opposite. She was unpredictable and predictable at the same time. She didn't like it when fortunate people complained. She held tight to what she believed in.

I had heard somewhere that when you deny something, it's really true. At least about internal things. Not like denying that you killed a guy when you didn't, because that's the truth and it can be proved through evidence. It only works with denying things going on in your mind. It was like saying that you weren't crazy meant that you were, because people generally thought that what they were doing was crazy, so being crazy was normal. Therefore, if you say you're normal, you're really crazy. Yeah, it confused me at first, too.

I wondered if that's why I was so eager to deny how powerfully Bella had captured me. Did denying that you were in love mean that you really were? That didn't make sense, though. I severely hated some people. Saying I didn't exactly love them didn't mean that I was about to ask one of them to prom or anything.

But, I reasoned with myself, my love for them was never in question. I was never asked if I loved them. It was always so clear. Having to clearly think about whether or not you love someone, and then denying it, what did that mean? What if I was contemplating their flaws instead of their beauty? Weighing the pros and cons before deciding whether or not a certain person was even worth my time, or deserved my love, and whether or not I wanted to give it to them? Did that mean that finally deciding it wasn't worth it meant that it really was?

That was when I realized that I wasn't contemplating Bella's flaws. I really didn't see any. I just thought of her uniqueness and every beautiful feature of her, both inside and out. But I could stand in awe of her without devoting my life to her right? I could kind of compare her to a good-looking philosopher. Her ideas and beliefs impressed me and she wasn't hideous. But I didn't think that Bella was a waste of time. I cherished every moment I had with her, enjoying her company.

And recently, I had been getting bored whenever I wasn't around Bella. The only thing that was ever on _my_ mind was trying to figure out how _hers_ worked. And without Bella to answer my questions, I quickly reached bricks and had to stop hypothesising, taking my passtime away.

I could admit that she had become an obsession of mine, but was I really in love with her? She had just moved to town. I'd spoken more with people I hated than I had with her. It seemed more like being fixated on some sort of new challenge. You're determined to figure out everything about it, and solve it. It doesn't mean that you love solving puzzles. It's just natural to be curious about it. How can I possibly know after slightly over a week that I loved her?

And what about my lightning theory? Sure there has to be one out of the however million people that gets struck, but there would be no way that it would be me. I already had too much, and I didn't deserve it. I had won the one in a million lottery once already when Carlisle and Esme took a chance with me. And "lightning never strikes twice," as was the case with Bella. I didn't have a chance. The lightning theory was a double negative against me.

...

...

...

But in theory, a double negative is a positive...


	7. Complications

I was really hoping that the conversation in biology would lead to us completely leaving behind any awkwardness. I mean, after realizing that such emotional topics, for both of us, were obviously touchy to talk about and we both got offended, wouldn't we learn to just stay away from those subjects? That way we could just go back to being kind-of friends.

But then Edward began acting very odd around me for the next few days. I couldn't understand why, though. Nothing had changed, right? Other than the fact that we might have actually taken a step forward in understanding each other's boundaries. But that didn't call for a complete change in behavior, did it?

He was still friendly and everything. But whenever he looked like he was enjoying himself in the slightest, he would literally shake it off. A shudder would pass down his spine and he would shake his head like he thought that enjoying himself had been a crazy idea in the first place. But it shouldn't have surprised me. He seemed to think he didn't deserve anything all that nice. Such as a loving adoptive family. It was like he thought that he didn't deserve to have fun. Just like he didn't think that he deserved the good fortune that came with being part of the Cullen family.

He'd gotten so much into the habit of making sure that he was miserable that I rarely saw him smile at all after a while. It was slowing making me less hopeful for my personal improvement. If I couldn't help him realize that he was worthy of happiness and a family and good fortune and all the stuff that he had, what were the chances that he could help me figure out the Jacob puzzle that was scattered all over my head? Things were working out just the way that my sick luck usually worked. Right when I was starting to get back on my feet, my support was dwindling. The one thing making me sane wasn't acting sane himself.

Was it so wrong to think of Edward as a crutch? Did my ever so slight attachment bug him that much? Was that why he was acting so miserable? Because for once someone was being real with him? Well forgive me for being so invisible to everyone else but him. Besides, if he wanted space, I would give it to him. All he had to do was ask. One would think, that with the best GPA of all the seniors, despite his detentions and sometimes short attention span, he would be smart enough to figure that a request was the best way to get something.

Or was his silence due to my lack of interest? After all, I didn't desire him the way all other students with two x chromosomes apparently did. I mean, he had asked about my ability to move on. Whether or not I would start dating again. Now he knew that I wasn't looking for romance. Being quite the charmer, that must have disappointed him at least a little. Maybe he was suffering from a slight wound in his ego. He'd get over it. Unless his ego was _too _big. But a big head didn't fit with the rest of Edward's character. It didn't make sense.

I had been talking more with Alice than I had with Edward for a while after that. She had no problem letting a smile spread across her face, no matter how many clouds were in the sky and no matter what insane amount of rain was coming from them. And more often than not, she let a giggle out that always lifted my spirits. Though she did look like she regretted it after she laughed. But that was probably because Edward was throwing her glances across the lunch table. It was like clearing the air had made him angry with me, which made absolutely no sense considering _he _was the one who cleared it.

Finally, after about a week, it had gotten rather annoying. I began not talking to Edward at all unless it was required for labs. Even then, it was strictly lab related. If he hated talking to me so much, I wasn't going to make him. If I was such a big stick up his ass, I wouldn't try to jab further unless something was pushing me. Like lab work.

The next Monday I arrived in biology before Edward did. For once. He had a way of being faster than everyone at everything. He was also quieter than everyone else. I didn't notice that he had arrived or that he had even taken his seat until he began to speak.

"Do you have some sort aversion to me or something?" he accused, throwing an angry glance towards me.

"Me?!" I exclaimed. Wasn't _he _the one who seemed to hate the idea of speaking to me? And he thought that it was _my _fault?

"Yes. You. You never talk to me anymore. I thought the air was clear between us. You had said that I hadn't offended you," he reminded me, a slightly offended look reaching the deep green of his eyes.

"Well, why do you seem so intent on being depressed whenever we _do_ talk? What aversion to happiness do _you_ have? I don't even remember the last time I saw you smile," I threw at him. "I thought you just hated talking to me for some reason. I was trying to be cooperative."

"Why would I hate talking to you? I apologized to you for offending you so that _you _wouldn't hate _me_ remember? And about the whole happiness thing, you have your lightning theory, right? Well maybe I have my own theory for why I shouldn't be happy," he attempted to reason. It still didn't make sense, though. Why would someone try to convince themselves into a life of unhappiness?

"My lightning theory is for love. I don't need that kind of love to be happy. Why would you tell yourself reasons not to be happy? Generally people try to look on the bright side," I argued.

Edward seemed to think about that for a moment. It pleased me to see that he didn't seem to have thought through his plan that well. If that was the case, I still had the opportunity to change his mind, and save himself from what he was about to cause.

"It's complicated. I'm missing something, and it doesn't seem right to be happy without it," he explained.

I thought about all that he had said that he went through. Something came across my mind. After all, I felt that I couldn't be happy without Jacob. The only people that Edward had really lost were his parents, and it made sense.

"Look Edward, do you really think your parents would want you to depress yourself over them?"

"I don't know. Maybe. That's not what this is about anyway," he clarified. So I was wrong.

"Then what - "

"I told you. It's complicated."

"And what do our conversations have to do with it? Why do you seem so eager to depress yourself when you're around me? Let me guess. That's complicated, too," I predicted, still believing that there should be no connection between the two.

"Am I really that transparent?" he asked sarcastically, the crooked smile that I had started to miss slowly spreading across his face again. Without even thinking about it, I smiled back.

"You're off schedule again. It's your observant day. It's Monday," I noted, laughing a little.

"And you do realize that that schedule had been made up on the spot? I'm sarcastic everyday. I just know when to stop and be serious."

"Yeah, I kinda figured. It was a fun little joke for a while, though," I commented, snickering. He laughed along with me and we both left the room at the end of the period with smiles on our faces.

It wasn't until I got home that I put together a frightening possibility.

Edward had mentioned my lightning theory. What if his theory was about love, too? He had said that he was missing something. Love counted as something, didn't it. People strive to find it, kill for it, and are often lost without it. Edward had clearly deprived himself of it. Wouldn't that cause someone to be unhappy?

But how would a love theory make him so unhappy? He had plenty of girls to try it on. Plenty of_ willing _girls. He technically hadn't failed yet. Unless...

Unless his theory was about someone in particular, not just love in general. Someone who he knew he would never have a chance with. But Edward had made it very clear that it would be no problem for him to get a chance with any of the other girls at school. Except for one. The only one I'm sure who had been willing to flat out tell someone like Edward Cullen that they weren't interested.

Me.

Wow. This _was _complicated.

Though it was irrational, I could understand why Edward would try not to be happy around me. I mean, realizing that you're happy with someone who doesn't share the same feelings, someone who's happy with them, but in a different way, it can be kind of painful. I could see why Edward would try to discourage himself. He might have done it to try to give himself a reason to not feel that way. Train himself not to see me in that way. How much depression would automatically set on just in realizing he loved someone who would never love him back? I knew firsthand what that felt like. I loved Jacob, but I'd been spending the past month debating whether or not he had ever loved me.

Oh Jake. Just another complication.

Why me, though? What did Edward see behind the broken heart? If Jacob, someone not exactly popular, hadn't seen enough in me to live for, what could Edward, with girls-a-plenty to chose from, see in me? I wasn't really good at anything, I wasn't pretty, I didn't provide him anything but small-talk and harsh judgment of his ungrateful attitude, what was there left for him to look for?

It hurt me to hurt Edward. Despite his odd was of looking at things, he was my friend. It felt bad to know that I was the cause of Edward's pain. In only there was something I could do about it.

If only he didn't think that I was the only one who was real with him. I was sure the only reason that he felt this way was because of how I acted toward him. He had complained about how googly-eyed girls made his good fortune not worth it. What if there was someone else who seemed down to earth? At least enough that Edward would believe that they were saying things that they truly felt, instead of just saying those things to impress him.

I had a great idea all of a sudden.

I had recently began hanging out with a girl in my trig class, Jessica Stanley. We weren't that close. She had a habit of gossiping. A lot. The gossip wasn't the problem, though I didn't approve of it. It was just that she gossiped so much that I could rarely get a word in. At least she was happier than a depressed Edward. It didn't depress me as much to hang around her, though I still sat with Alice more.

Jessica was completely wrapped up in Edward. She was also taking theatre classes outside of school. I knew that it would be a cruel trick to pull on Edward, but if Jessica could act like she didn't dream about Edward every night, maybe Edward would give her a chance. Then she can slowly shift back into the "massively in love" state. Maybe Edward would think at that point that she desperately needed him. Enough that he stays with her (because he's too generous and kind to just break someone's heart) long enough for him to see something in her that would make him completely forget about me.

It was worth a try.


	8. Jessica

I was glad that things could be somewhat normal between Bella and I again. At least for her. It would always be slightly painful on my end. But at least this way, if I _did _love her, now I could admire her more closely. Her silence had pained me more than anything ever had before. For once I had felt this fear crawl up my back that at first I couldn't explain. Later I found the answer.

Rejection.

My heart beat irregularly every time I saw her. Everything that she had said about Jacob made sense now. Everything mattered twice as much when she was around. And when she wasn't, everything felt empty.

I could only taste food when she sat across the table from me. I felt completely lifeless unless I was holding a conversation with her. I could only focus when we were together, which probably explained why I was only passing biology for the time being.

For the next week, I was able to be a lot happier around her. Something about her carefree spirit made it seem like she thought that my problem wasn't one that she could fix, like she thought the only thing she could do for me was try to cheer me up.

All of this depressed me more. Not the fact that she was attempting to make me happier, but the realization of my feelings. If I felt for her the way that she felt for Jacob, and if what I felt was love, then she truly did love Jacob, and she really had redeemed her one love. And if it wasn't love, then why did this hurt so much, and how much would I hurt for the person that I would actually end up with? Plus, if what I was feeling wasn't love, then Bella wasn't really in love with Jacob, and with her lightning theory, she was cheating herself out of complete happiness. It was a double-edged sword that I wished I could break in half, But then again, even if I could, the new edges would be rougher and more painful. Fate definitely hated both of us.

"I've been thinking," Bella began one day at lunch when Alice had left the conversation to talk to Jasper, "about your theory."

"I never told you my theory," I reminded her suspiciously. My mind raced through a million thoughts at once, trying to remember anything that I could have said that would have clued her in. I thought long and hard, and only came up with a couple of things that would have given her clues. Regardless, the possibility of her figuring out my one weakness was still pretty uncomfortable to me.

"I know, but you said that it was about happiness," she told me. "I still don't know what your theory is, but I think I have a solution."

I studied her face for a good long while. She wasn't a very good liar. Her expression was hopeful: hoping that I wouldn't detect the false note in her voice. She _did _know my theory, or at least, she felt that she knew what my problem was. She knew that I loved her (there was no point in denying it if it was that obvious to her), and she was trying to distract me. Or leading me to believe that she didn't know. I did appreciate the gesture, though.

"I'm open to any suggestions," I lied. Only I could actually pull off _my_ fib. The only suggestion that I was really open to was the one that would be most obvious to her. The one that she would never agree to. I was sorry out of luck.

"Not all people just look at you as some future super-model. Not everyone wants to be around you for the perks," she explained. As if I didn't know that. Bella was a perfect example. Forget example. Bella was just simply perfect. "There are more down to earth people than you would think, and it wouldn't hurt for you to give them a chance. Maybe then you'll realize that your situation isn't as much of a burden as you think. You might be able to enjoy life a little more if you learn to trust people," she suggested.

Her eyes were pleading. She didn't want to hurt me. This was her way of letting me down easy.

What could I do? I couldn't make her be with me. Even if I had the power, I wouldn't be able to bring myself to do it. I couldn't make her do anything against her will even if I wanted to. I would never be able to live with myself if I knew that Bella was unhappy just because I had been a selfish idiot. And I would do anything for her. Even if she wanted me to leave the country. I would join the military or something and get based overseas if she wanted me gone.

But as much as she didn't want to be with me, I didn't believe that she wanted me to leave.

So what were my options? The "Who Wants to Date Edward Cullen" show? As much as she tried to be subtle about it, Bella's suggestion did imply girls in "trusting people." The problem was that I wasn't interested in anyone else. It wouldn't be fair to lead an innocent girl on, either. If I had to trust people, I had to be trustworthy. And lying would not exactly help me fit into that category.

All I had to do was look into Bella's eyes one more time to know that I would do it. For Bella I would get some random girl's hopes up. Just to show Bella that for her I would do anything. There had to be something that I could do to spark her interest in me. And even if I wasn't doing it to in hopes of capturing Bella, she had me so wrapped around her fingers. I was what you would call "whipped." Even with no ties or persuasion, I would do this heartless act to show that I only had a heart for Bella.

I couldn't help but scold myself. Last month I was completely fed up with girls trying to catch my attention, and now I was doing everything I could do to fight for hers. What kind of hypocrite was I turning into?

"I'll try," I managed to spit out I remembered that Bella was still waiting for a response. A huge smile spread across her small face, and in that moment I knew that no matter what I would end up doing, who I would end up hurting (other than Bella), everything would be worth it just because Bella was happy. She deserved that much, at least.

All too soon, both lunch and biology were over, ending my daily hour and a half that actually had meaning. I sulked to my sixth period history class. I slumped into my seat and tapped my pencil impatiently waiting for the bell to ring so that maybe I could catch a last glimpse of the girl who my thoughts revolved around constantly.

As usual, my concentration was flawed. All of my thoughts wandered to Bella. The nickname was fitting. Bella meant beautiful in Italian and countless other world languages. Within fifteen minutes of departing with Bella, the ultimate rejection finally began to set in. Bella was a beauty that would never be mine. My had began trembling at the small realization that felt like the end of the world to me. With a Bella-like clumsiness, my pencil fell out of my shaking hand.

"Here," came a familiar voice. The tone, however, did not fit the voice.

I looked up to find Jessica Stanley, a girl who sat next to me, holding out my pencil. Jessica wasn't typically a generous person, which was why her sympathetic tone confused me.

"Thanks," I replied glumly. How many times would I have to turn her down? Jessica had tried repeatedly to win me over, but she had never tried acting cute and sincere to do it. I was hoping that a new personality was her last resort, and after this attempt, she might finally give up and leave a suffering guy to wallow in peace.

"Are you okay?" she wondered, seeming, for once, genuinely concerned. "You've been acting out of character for a while."

"And how do you know what's characteristic for me?" I snapped. I wouldn't be surprised, with how obsessed Jessica seemed to be with me, if she actually did know a lot. I didn't know which irritated me more, her constant "I want Edward Cullen" mindset or her obsessive study of me. I realized that it was a great comparison as to what I was doing with Bella, but at least I wasn't _that _annoying about it.

"You never know the answers when Mr. Molina calls on you. You never used to be wrong," she noted. And she was right. School came naturally easy to me, which was why I could skip class so much and still ace every assignment and test.

So maybe Bella wasn't the only observant one. But Jessica still had nothing over her.

"I've just been having some problems, that's all. Not much can be done about it," I stated. And nothing could be done about it. At least, there wasn't anything that Jessica could do.

"Maybe I can help," Jessica offered, anyway.

"Why would you want to?" I asked, surprised. Jessica wasn't exactly the brightest crayon in the box, or the nicest kid on the playground. She wasn't the first person that anyone really came to for emotional support or consolation.

"Look, I may be a motormouth, but I'm not completely self-absorbed," she announced. I felt back when I saw the tint of offense in her eyes.

She returned to her work and the class continued in an awkward silence.

It took me a while to remember that while Bella and I weren't exactly talking, Jessica had been hanging out with Bella here and there. Maybe Bella had that kind of affect on people, making them realize how much their way of thinking was wrong. There was a possibility that, due to Bella's influence, Jessica might truly be concerned. I should have realized that, with everything else that Bella had been right about to that point, that she was right this time, too. While Bella was still one of a kind, there probably were still some people with similar thoughts in their heads.

Plus, with Jessica being around Bella now and again, and Jessica being quite the chatterer, Bella would definitely hear about it if I was nice to her.

The bell rang. I snapped out of my frozen state and jumbled my things together. When all of my things were gathered, I ran out the door to catch up to Jessica.

"Hey, Jessica," I began when I reached her. "I know it's a girl's-choice dance, but do you want to go to the Spring Dance with me. You asked if I could help and it might get my mind off of my...problem."


	9. Concern

**I know that I don't have an Edward chapter, yet. But since the chapters alternate, you always hear from Edward last. I thought I might change things up and start uploading them one at a time now that the plot is really going. Anyway, happy belated Halloween. I'm going to go listen to the TWILIGHT SOUNDTRACK! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!**

* * *

"Can you believe it?! _He _asked _ME_! I mean, he doesn't even date and when he decides to, he chooses ME!" Jess was so excited that I had to hold the phone nearly a foot from my ear. When she finally decided to grace me with silence, I gave her a word of advice.

"Remember what I told you though. Guys don't like it when you get all obsessive around them. Sure you can act obsessive around me, but most people, especially Edward, don't really like it when you get all giggly. Let him know that you like him, but don't make it creepy. Some guys think that you're acting obsessive to get something out of the deal, even if it's just bragging rights," I advised.

So I had kind of lied to Jessica. Kind of because it wasn't really a lie, but it kind of was because it wasn't the complete truth.

When I had talked to Jessica to get my plan in motion, I knew all hope would be lots the instant I said the name "Edward Cullen." I figured that if I had just given her some guy advice, the first guy that she would aim for would be Edward. It was more of manipulation than lying. I was slowly feeling worse and worse. Not about the fact that one of my friends was now super happy, and hopefully, my closest friend would be to, but the fact that I was using my friends to avoid my problems. Edward didn't flat out tell me that I needed to find him a replacement for the person he could never have. Hell, he didn't even tell me that my suspicions were right. So really, did I have to be doing this?

The answer was: ?!?!?!?!?!?!?!Gah!

My biggest fear was that Edward would get hurt. Edward didn't seem all that ecstatic after lunch the other day. Sometimes, just being around Jessica was torture enough. It all depended on how self-absorbed she was that day. I couldn't imagine spending as much time around her as her boyfriend would, if that's how far they end up going. Plus, Jessica didn't take rejection well. The moment that she thought that the relationship was in danger, she would probably be the one to dump him. And I would be the one to blame for crushing Edward's hopes of being with someone that would be completely real around him. Not that Jessica exactly fit that description, but apparently she thought he did.

And at the same time, as annoying as she could be, I didn't want to hurt Jess. So I added a little side not for her.

"Just remember that high-school relationships don't always last forever. Just because he asked you to a dance, that doesn't mean that you're going to get married. It actually doesn't even mean you're technically dating, yet," I explained. "He's only considering things for now. Don't give him reason to change his mind."

"Thanks, Bella! You're an expert. Well, I'll call you after the dance!" she cried before hanging up.

I pressed the "end" button on the cordless phone and rolled onto my back. I laid there on my bed for a while just staring at the ceiling, contemplating what I would do when this didn't work out. I knew what I was doing could be considered wrong. But there was no way to _not _hurt Edward unless he prevented the hurt. The only way that was possible with this situation. He would just have to be the one to end the relationship. It sucked that either way I had to be the cause of his misery, but at least this way it was indirect.

I flipped back on to my stomach and reached for the book that I was currently reading. My friend, Angela, had told me that it the second book in its series was somewhat like my favorite book, _Wuthering Heights_. So far I didn't see the resemblance, but then again, I was only in the first book. It was about this girl who falls in love with a vampire. It reminded me of Jacob. A lot. Her relationship with her friend reminded me of the way that I had used to think about love before Jacob had come along. The character in the book also had a close friend who kind of reminded me of Jacob himself. Except that my Jacob wouldn't try to get me to break up with my boyfriend...then again, I never had another boyfriend before him, so I really couldn't be sure.

I finally called it a night, slipping into my sweats and turning out the lights. And at some point in the night, dreaming about what was going on at the dance. The phone rang after a while. My dad must have picked it up and told Jessica that I was asleep, because I only heard two rings before I was dead asleep again.

Monday rolled around slowly. I had far too much homework to make the weekend seem fast at all. Sunday night hadn't been that good to me either. Half the night I had spent tossing and turning hoping that my matchmaker theory hadn't ended in turmoil for either of them. The blood would be on my head. And I think I would rather pretend for Edward than handle thinking that anything else was my fault.

It almost seemed odd. Before lunch, I didn't see Edward in the halls or anything. Generally I bump into him at least once before third period, yet it had come and gone and no sign of Edward was reportable. I didn't know if that was a good thing or a bad thing. Did he not show up at school today, or was he just avoiding me because he figured out what I was trying to do and wouldn't accept it?

I thought I had the answer when I finally reached fourth period. Fourth period was trig: my class with Jessica. Jessica had a glow about her face and was awful jittery in her seat the entire time. Unfortunately for her, she couldn't get a word in because of the mid-tern no talking policy.

But sure enough, at the bell, Jessica raced out the door. I didn't think I would see her for the rest of the day, if she was rushing to cling to Edward, and I didn't expect to see Edward until Biology. To my surprise, as I stepped out the door, I saw Edward leaning against the wall, Jessica tapping her foot impatiently behind him.

"Would you mind if Jessica sits with us today?" he requested with his crooked smile.

WAS HE CRAZY! He might as well wear a sign on his chest that says "Sorry to lie to you Jessica, but I'm kind of a little obsessed with Bella." He had obviously left Jessica with the impression that this was the beginning of some sort of great relationship, and yet here he was asking _me _for consent to watch. What was he going to do if I said no. Would he be reasonable and say "okay, we'll sit somewhere else," or "okay, Jessica, I'm sorry, I'm going to have to put our relationship on hold so I could spend time with the one I really love?"

"Sure, no problem," I approved.

I must admit, it was rather funny. Edward was someone who had clearly shown his dislike for the vast majority of people, especially giggly girls. At that specific moment, he looked kind of like a pimp with one girl on either side of him. And considering the good looks and expensive clothes that he found a burden, he really looked the part.

Asking my consent at lunch was rather pointless, though, seeing as Jessica didn't allow either or us to say a word. Granted she was trying to catch me up on everything that happened at the dance since I hadn't answered her phone call. It was still rather rude. What was more surprising to me was that most of the time, it seemed as if Edward was grimacing at every little memory of that weekend's events that included Jessica. Was it really worth putting Edward through that.

Finally, we were alone in Biology and I could clear the air.

"So you and Jessica, huh?" I casually started.

"Yeah. You know it's really thanks to you. I didn't know Jessica could be so nice. She actually notices things, did you know that?" Edward marveled. "I mean, one would think that with how much she gossips, she would only _think _that she knew a lot about some people. But really, she's observant. Half the stuff that she predicted about me were true. I wonder if she's the one that starts the gossip, and it just gets changed down the line," he pondered.

"We'll never know..." I trailed off.

Despite how happy he seemed, I still felt a reason to be concerned. Almost a little too concerned.


	10. Hatred and Jealousy

_Grin and bear it, grin and bear it, _I thought to myself over and over. It was something I had to order myself to do a lot. Whenver I was with Bella and whenever I was with Jessica. Jesscia wasn't half bad, but then again, some girls are excellent liars. It was still hard to think of anything or anyone other than Bella. That was, until I had something to hate rather than something to love. Jacob gave me plenty to hate. What with leaving Bella the way he did, leaving me the broken little pieces.

It was a Monday and Jessica was staying home sick, so Bella and I were able to sit at lunch and actually talk to each other. I didn't miss Jessica's voice the way that I would usually miss Bella's. It was huge relief to have the hour and a half back that we had used to have.

Bella had accepted my request to bring photos of Jacob to school. I didn't even know why I wanted to see them. I just had this impulse.

I didn't expect what I saw in the pictures.

She only brought pictures of the two of them. I couldn't see Bella's face without Jacob's beside it. It was pure torture. Especially when I saw the expressions on her face. She was completely relaxed arround him, able to feel completely like herself. I could tell that she felt loved. respected, and cared for. Her eyes were full of love and hope, and I didn't think that I had ever seen her smile that wide or that effortlessly in person. Her cheek blushed a beautiful pink that reminded me of the makeup that my mother had warn. Except that this rose color on her cheeks was purely natural. The happiness spread on her face made her seem more beautiful that ever.

I looked from the pictures of Bella to the real one in front of me. No matter how far back her cheeks would pull into a smile, her eyes were always sad, looking like they were about ready to spill over with tears. All signs of possible relaxation were removed, her brow furrowed with stress. She looked betrayed, abandoned, and I knew that that was exactly how she felt. Her smile wasn't completely natural. I could tell that she forced the corners of her mouth the last little bit. And that beautiful, entirely real blush was washed from her cheeks.

My eyes drifted back to the photographs, but not to Bella this time, Now my focus was on Jacob. He was either a really good liar, or severly bipolar to want out of this relationship, because even he seemed happy. In these photos, Jacob looked almost as passionate as Bella. You could tell that they had a unique relationship, built on years of friendship, just as Bella had described.

Bella had trusted this son of a bitch and he broke her. If he weren't already dead, I would drive down to Arizona and beat the living tar out of him until he was. And then I would leave him hanging from a cactus for the maggots and the flies. Now _that _would be pure satisfaction.

Then I realized that my gaze was sliding back to Bella.

Bella, broken, battered, and damaged from the inside, was already so desirable that it would send me into frenzies. It was mind bottling to think about how much that desire would increase when her natural beauty reached that level. Jacob was insane to feel like Bella wasn't worth living for. To know that she was happy would be the icing on an already delicious cake. Not that I was planning on eating Bella.

I hated him. He had something so precious, priceless, and fragile. Something unique, beautiful, and worth giving up anything for. And instead, he gave her up. He dropped Bella, leaving her hanging. He planted this theory in her head that it would be better for her to hold on to the cliff instead of pulling herself up and standing on top of it. He was the reason that those beautiful, deep brown eyes would never be able to gleam the way they once had. Instead they only gleamed with the threat of spilling tears.

He was the reason that Bella had given up on herself. On love. And in turn, me.

"Edward? Are you okay?" I heard Bella wonder, concern coating her voice. It snapped me back into reality. Jacob was dead. Carlisle had taught me not to relish the death of another person, no matter how vile. But for once, I actually believed that someone deserved their death. The only unfortunate part was that I hadn't been the delivery boy.

"Oh yeah, I'm fine," I assured her. "Just thinking."

"About what?" she detailed.

_About how much I wish I could bring you boyfriend back to life to kick his ass and kill him again, _I wanted so badly to say.

"About how stupid he was to kill himself when he had you," I told her instead, not even trying to conceal my emotions. She already knew. Why try to hide it? It didn't seem as if Bella recognized how valuable she was. How lucky any guy was to have said that they had received a bit of her love.

"I'm...flattered," she stammered.

I kept flipping through the pictures, just so I could imagine myself pulverizing the dirty bastard who had ruined everything when he had the best. Seeing Jacob's face and knowing that there was no way he could have loved Bella and still felt the need for suicide, a bit of hope began burning inside me. The flame would either grow or extingueish depending on Bella's answer to a question jabbing at my brain. i just had to ask.

"About your lightning theory...does it count if the person didn't love you back?"

"Does it 'count?' Edward, love isn't a game. Certain things just don't stop 'counting.' Besides, how will I ever know if someone loved me? There are some pretty good liars out there. I have to go off of how _I _feel. If I feel loved, and if I love them...well, it's not like a crush. If I'm head over heals for a guy that I _know _doesn't love me, well I guess that wouldn't 'count' now would it? But if I feel the love, and the relationship ends the way it's supposed to, with death, then I would consider that 'true love,' " she explained, crushing me with every word. Fortunately for her, I was one of those amazing liars. Bella would never know how much she could hurt me.

I continued to feel as though she were cheating herself out, though. It seemed to me that a noteless suicide was like a demented break-up. It was like he was literally saying, "I have nothing left worth living for. Not even you. I don't care if I cause you pain. Life sucks with or without you. Get over it."

That night, for the first time, my dreams did not just center around Bella. They focused on _Jacob_ and Bella.

My retna was scarred with visions of his arms around her, Bella laughing at some joke unheard by me, her eyes gleaming. Jacob would pull her closer by the small of her back and lean in to kiss her softly and sweetly. Bella's heart would pound so loud that China could probably hear it. It made Jacob chuckle before he kissed her again.

Then I saw it. While his arms wrapped around her, behind her back, his fingers on both hands were crossed. The dirty jerk had been lying the whole time. Not that I could say that I was surprised. It just gave me more reason to hate them, now that my fears had received a confirmation.

He finally released her and took her by the hand, leading her somewhere. The flat ground slowly turned into an incline. Soon they reached a cliff. They sat and talked for a while. Jacob rolled his eyes as Bella rested her head on his shoulder. I understood exactly what was about to happen.

I was finally able to break out of spectator mode and I jumped into the nightmare. I ran towards the cliff as fast as I could. But for once, it wasn't fast enough. Because I was all the way on the Olympic peninsula, and they were in Arizona. I couldn't have reached Bella if I had all the time in the world.

Jacob pushed her over before he himself jumped.

I found the will and the power to run even faster, to help. It still seemed like forever until I reacher her, the blistering heat of Phoenix killing me, but the sight of Bella hanging onto that cliff for dear life was doing much more damage.

"Bella, here, take my hand! I'll help you up!" I called to her, reaching. "I know it's sweaty, but I've just run all the way here to help you! You can't do this alone!" My eyes plead with her as I continued to reach for her, panting from the run.

"No, Edward. I have to stay here. I can't love anyone else. I can't just pull myself up and move on," she declared, defiant and stubborn as always.

"But...his fingers were crossed!" I pouted, pleading, desperate. Even saying that felt unbelievable, but I had seen it!

"Be mature Edward," she snapped before letting go.

My eyes popped open with a strong realization.

Not only did I hate Jacob, but I was jealous of him, too.

He had been able to hold Bella, kiss her, stroke her hair without it being creepy. He was able to take her face in his hands for no reason at all. Just to look at her. And even as a dead guy, he still had her heart. As much as I envied him, I felt myself regretting my previous wishes for loving his death. If he had lived and just broken up with her, she would have moved on and stayed in Phoenix. While I don't think meeting her was ever a mistake, I would willingly give up my memories of the most beautiful, perfect thing on the planet if it meant that she could have her happiness again.

My heart was still beating. I was alive and I truly loved her. Even if she would never love me back, she was enough for me to live for. Just being able to see her face, hear her voice, and know that she at least enjoyed my presence was enough to pull me through anything. And _I _wasn't crossing my fingers.

Who came up with the phrase "life's not fair." It somehow became a theme of life. It seemed that people made a point of making life unfair. Of course when all girls repulse me, the one that I manage to fall for has given her complete devotion to a dead guy. Completely unfair. Which god hated me this time? Aphrodite? That would seem fitting. So what? I go to Greece and drink from that eternal love fountain thing

The next day, all that I could see was either Bella or Jacob. In the halls, every guy looked like Jacob. Every girl had Bella's face stamped onto their faces. I wanted to beat up every male of Forks' high's student body, and I wanted to cry at the sight of every pair of brown eyes that stared in my direction.

"Hey, Edward!" I heard above my raging emotional thoughts. The voice was clearly Jessica's, but it seemed as if Bella were the one excitdly waving at me.

I ran to Bella, plowing through multiple Jacobs on the way. It was Bella, wanting me the way that all other girls did, only for all the right reasons. She was surrounded by Jacobs and she didn't want anything to do with them. She only wanted me.

"Geez, I was only gone for a day," an unsignificant voice said.

I ignored it, taking Bella's face in my hands and placing my lips squarely on hers. When I pulled back, I blinked and took another look at the face I was holding.

Damn it. It was Jessica. Bella was probably on the other side of the school, still mourning the death of some lying bastard. Jessica wanted me for all the wrong reasons. She may not have been as shallow as people thought she was, but she wasn't that original.

"I'll see you after class," was all that I was able to mutter through my disappointment.

This didn't seem healthy. For all three of us.


	11. Crashing

It didn't make any sense.

I'd only had one serious relationship, but I knew that most of them didn't work that way. At least not the successful ones. Either Edward was rather dumb, or he wasn't even trying. It seemed like my plan was just turning around and biting me in the ass.

It also didn't make sense that Edward would transition so fast from female repulsion to head over heels for a girl. The last time that I had talked with Edward about anything relating to girls, he was still set on every girl being a selfish pig-headed little bitch. With the random exception of me. If this continued, he was going to give himself whiplash.

Which was why at first I didn't believe the rumors. The rumors that Edward had actually kissed Jessica. It felt like middle school. Everyone was acting like one kiss was such a big deal. But I guess that if you thought about it, it was. Edward Cullen, who had made himself the ultimate unreachable guy on campus, had succeeded in asking a girl out, and now managed to commit a public display of affection. It was probably going to make the evening news on top of it all. The population of Forks seemed to have no life.

I still didn't know if I believed it or not until I saw Jessica's face in Trig. She didn't even seem to try to make conversation, still obviously in a daze. The class was oddly quiet without her usual chatter, which signaled that something was clearly out of the ordinary. She was constantly checking the clock the entire period, probably anxious to see Edward again. The strange things was that this time-check had somehow become a habit of mine, too. I must have been hanging out with Jessica too much.

The bell rang. Jessica and I were the first ones out the door. I, however, stopped when I saw Edward, whereas Jessica ran right to him, giving him one of the biggest hugs that I had ever seen. Expectation was clear in her eyes. She was noticeably depressed when he only pecked her cheek. He then took her hand and led her toward me.

"You coming or not?" he invited, and we headed toward lunch.

Edward made sure that I was included in the conversation. Jessica didn't seem to like that very much. I really should have thought more carefully on who to "set Edward up with." He deserved better than a self-absorbed talkative girl. He deserved someone who would listen to him. After all, you're given two ears and one mouth. Aren't you supposed to listen twice as much? Edward had plenty of opinions. Someone needed to hear them. Unfortunately for both of us, I still wasn't that social and really couldn't think of anyone other than Jessica.

Jessica still managed to get a few monologues in, though. During one, my eyes skimmed aimlessly around the room. One of the windows caught my eyes. It didn't look like a very promising sight. There were weird white fluffs falling from the sky. Living in Arizona, you don't see snow much, and you also don't really prepare for it.

When it was just Edward and I in biology, we still didn't find much to talk about. It was just awkward. There wasn't much I could think to say.

"So...you and Jess are official now?" was the first thing that came to my mind. I hated to admit it, too. The more I watched him and Jessica, the more I realized how much it hadn't been a good idea. I could have just told him to trust people and leave it at that. But I had to just go running to Jessica and give her "Edward" advice. Why was I such a screw up? First Jacob and now this?

"Uh...yeah, I guess," he shrugged, as if we were talking about the weather, which was still behaving oddly. There also seemed to be a hint of regret in his voice. Which almost made me happy. If he wasn't too content, he could always get himself out of it.

"You don't sound all that thrilled," I commented.

"It's just a lot different than what I'm used to. I guess I'm just adjusting," he sighed.

Even though it was awkward, Edward made sure that he spent time with me, like I was a sister he didn't want to just ignore, which was how I wanted it to be. I just didn't want it to be as false as it felt. I just really hoped that Edward would find a distraction. And soon. I didn't want a repeat of the avoidance that we had had earlier just because of this silence.

I looked out the window. At least it was only raining now. With a little luck, all of the snow would be melted and gone by the end of gym. The rest of the class went by in an awkward silence.

I was more spacey than usual, thinking about the tangled web of failed plans that I was weaving, which didn't exactly compliment my clumsiness. I was hit in the head with a volleyball about five times and tripped a lot. Finally the coach let me sit out. I plopped onto the bleachers until the final bell interrupted my thinking.

I opened the locker room door and saw my luck take a turn for the worse. It had gotten cold enough to freeze the snow already on the ground, and the rain from biology had fallen on top of it, forming a nice layer of ice. I had chains in my truck that Charlie had put in there, but I had no idea at all how to put them on. And on top of that, getting _to_ my truck was going to be enough of a challenge.

While I was contemplating how to get safely from the locker room to my truck, I saw Edward walking Jessica to her bus. Jessica provided a few moments of monologue before kissing him goodbye. Boy, did Edward look thrilled. NOT. His face was completely indifferent. It was as if she had kissed someone next to him and I had just been at too odd of an angle to see.

Edward was halfway to his Volvo when he noticed me standing against the brick wall. He carefully jogged across the parking lot toward me. It was the first time I really noticed how agile he was. He seemed more eager to make it to me than he had been to give Jessica a proper boyfriend goodbye. But that really shouldn't have surprised me.

"What are you waiting up for?" he asked when he reached me, oddly not out of breath.

"You obviously haven't seen me in gym class," I stated. "I don't know how to get to my truck without falling. I never had to worry about that in Arizona. Especially because I didn't have a car there. I just took the bus. And even then, snow and ice weren't there to handicap me." Edward nodded in agreement. You didn't have to be a rocket scientist to know that southern states don't exactly see this kind of precipitation.

"I'll help," he offered.

"Thanks," I accepted.

Both of his hands grabbed my right arm. He would pull me up if I started to slip, and every time that I came considerably close to falling, he caught me. One time, while trying to keep me up, Edward fell back onto the ice. A miserably failed attempt to help him up led to me following suit. The laughter that escaped both of us while trying to get back up was so natural.

We eventually slipped and slid our way to my truck. Both of us held onto the bed for support while we worked to calm our laughter. The excitement that pulsed through my veins made me realize that I had never really heard Edward fully laugh. It thrilled me to see that whatever Edward and I had hadn't exactly changed completely. I missed laughing like that. I was glad that I had met someone who could bring that back to me.

"Hey, Edward. Do you know how to put chains on?" I wondered, coming back to the reality of me, my truck, and the blanket of ice. "I didn't come all this way on a death bed of ice just to kill myself in a wreck."

"Yeah, here, let me show you," he suggested, taking the chains that I was holding out to him. I watched carefully and hoped that I would remember everything the next time that I would need them, which I hoped would be never. I wasn't exactly liking this idea of snow, ice, and potential death. Edward brushed his hands off on his jeans when he was done.

"Think you caught all of that?" he inquired.

"I think," I agreed. Then curiosity took over. "Do you really like Jessica?"

Edward paused for a moment. I almost thought I saw a glimmer of something different in his eyes. A spark. Something good.

"I don't know. She's deeper than people think she is, but she's still extremely chatty," he explained. "She's observant, but only when she wants to be. And she only observes the smaller things. And ever since the dance, she's changed."

_Damn it, _I thought. _I guess acting classes aren't enough for Jessica._

"So what are you going to do now?" I wondered. "I mean, now that you've gone public?"

"I really have no idea," he admitted. "She used to be sweet, and I guess, because I'm doing what you said and I'm trusting people, I guess I think that there's still a sweet girl in there. A sweet girl that I don't exactly want to hurt. I don't have to love someone to not want to hurt them, right?" he asked. It made me proud that he didn't just want all girls to fall off of the face of the planet anymore. That he at least felt concerned about them now.

"Of course. I know exactly what you mean," I assured him. And I did. Wasn't that exactly what I was trying to attempt with Edward?

Edward's face fell. I had no idea why.

"Well, I guess I'll see you Monday," I said, trying to avoid an awkward silence.

"Yeah," he replied glumly.

That's when I heard the screeching.

A blue van was skidding out of control towards us.

"MOVE!" Edward instructed, pushing me out of the way. With help from the ice, I easily slid out of the van's path, falling down in the process. Realizing that he had no time to follow me, Edward jumped into the bed of my truck, scurrying into the furthest corner from where the van was about to hit.

I was still sitting there in shock, letting my jacket and jeans get soaked when I heard Tyler get out of his van.

"Bella? Edward? Are you guys okay?"

Wow. Somebody else other than Edward was concerned about me. There was a shocker.

"Yeah. We're fine, I think," Edward confirmed, jumping down from my truck. When he had regained his balance, he walked over to me, reaching out his hand to help me up. "The ice was both a burden and a miracle in this case. I don't think Bella would have been able to move that fast if it weren't for the sliding," he joked, trying to make light of the situation.

Randomly, Edward slumped over to his car.

What had gotten him in such a bad mood? Just a few minutes ago we had been laughing as we slid clumsily across the ice. Now it seemed that this Edward didn't want to be touched.

Was there even a way for him _not _to hurt?


	12. The iPod and the Radio

Jessica's voice became a constant buzzing in my ears, and that's all it was to me, too: a buzzing in my ears. Not a single word that came out of Jessica's mouth meant a thing to me. It was like listening to your iPod just for a little bit of background music. You're not exactly paying attention, and since you've probably heard the songs that you're listening to so many times, it doesn't really matter that you don't catch all of the words. Not only was Jessica like an iPod, but she was an iPod on repeat. Not even shuffle. Just a broken record. And it was time to change the song.

I was sick and tired of nothing but gossip and hair and clothes and more gossip. She was always gushing over how grateful she was that I had given her a chance and how lucky she was to be dating me. And other than the dance, we hadn't even been on an actual date, yet. Every day at lunch I would stare across the table at Bella, shooting her pleading looks, begging her to interrupt the conversation.

Bella was more like the radio. You hear all of your favorites, but every once and a while you get a new song in the mix. And you really want to listen close so that you can catch all of the lyrics the first time around. It's _after_ you hear that song on the radio that you download it and put it on to your iPod. It was like asking "Which came first? The chicken or the egg?" Only it was "Who comes first? The radio or the iPod?" Both historically and metaphorically, the radio came first. And that's where I saw my priorities lie.

Biology meant more to me now than it ever had before. Not only was I able to see Bella, but it was my sanctuary. It was the only time that I could really be myself around her. Bella knew how I felt, that was obvious. She could see through me like I was made of cellophane. To keep Bella happy I would put up a little bit of a facade for Jessica. When Jessica was out of the way, I could let that little wall down and be the Edward that was completely wrapped around Bella's finger.

But she wanted nothing to do with me. At least not in that sense. She seemed comfortable with what we had, but she didn't want what I wanted. She had made that rather clear. She knew "exactly what I meant" when I had mentioned not loving someone, yet not wanting to hurt them. She didn't love me. But she didn't want to hurt me.

It was clear that Bella didn't want me to _get _hurt either. She kept pushing me to stay positive in my "relationship" with Jessica, that way Jessica wouldn't want to leave me and possibly feeling rejection pains. But I couldn't just end everything abruptly. She wanted me to keep an open mind.

But I couldn't stand the repeat anymore. I wanted out.

After the accident, I was more numb than ever. I had been so close to Bella, inches away from her, and I _had _to push her away. It was sickening how symbolic it was. I loved her, and cared for her. And in order for her to be happy, or in the case of the crash, to save her, I had to keep her away. No matter what, I couldn't win.

But I couldn't lie, either. I may have been an excellent liar, but that doesn't mean I enjoy it. I believed that lies should be reserved for worst-case scenarios. As much as it sucked for me, I wasn't about to die. I still saw Bella for at least two hours of every school day. It didn't seem like nearly enough, but it was all that I could hope for, and it was just enough to keep me floating.

So I didn't even try after that. I wasn't going to pretend for Jessica. At the same time, I wasn't going to stop pretending for Bella. In other words, I wasn't leaving Jessica. I was letting her leave me. The question was how to make her want to. Jessica wasn't exactly the sway-able type. It didn't seem like she was going to even try to leave. I had to drive her away. But how could I do that without driving Bella up the wall?

I brought down the wall. I didn't treat Jessica any different than I would have if we weren't "dating." In translation, I paid no mind to her, like I did every other girl aside from Bella.

It started as early as when Jessica's bus came and ended when her bus left. I wasn't there to meet her at the bus in the morning, and boy did I hear it from her. When I stopped by the girls' trig class before lunch, for Bella of course since Jessica no longer concerned me, I got quite the earful about how I hadn't walked her to and from every class and how disappointed she was when I wasn't there at the bus.

"Well, what do you expect me to do?" I asked her. "Lie and say that I ran late and I got here after your bus did? Because I didn't. I actually watched from the warmth of my car as you got out and looked for me. I was feeling a little lazy. And I think you know where your classes are. You don't need an escort to and from every class. This if Forks. No one is going to rape you between classes. Ask Bella's dad. The crime rate in this puny little town is surprisingly low, especially among teens. You really need to grow up a little, Jessica."

I watched as Bella's face grew more and more disgusted with me. I knew that would happen. It was more than a knife to the stomach to me. It was like being pressed to death, like they had done to that one guy back in the witch trials because he wouldn't confess to being a witch, and he wouldn't say that he wasn't one either.

I found myself praying that Bella would understand when I was back to normal after Jessica was out of the picture.

So I watched, painfully, as Bella pushed past me. Following her, the agony increased as my eyes traced her steps to where she planted herself next to Alice, the general alternative that she used whenever she was mad at me. My gaze continued to find her throughout lunch, sitting there, lightly chatting with Alice while I got the lecture from Jessica about how _I _was the one who had asked _her _to the dance and _I _was the one who first kissed _her, _and if I had so many issues with her, why had I even bothered? While she had some pretty good points that would have been perfectly legitimate in any other relationship, they didn't make _me _want to hang around any longer.

It really hit me in biology. When Bella's cold shoulder froze me to the point of desperation. Longing to reach out and make her look me in the eye, to tell her that I was only doing this for Jessica's own good. That she could have the extreme pleasure of breaking up with me, without the depression of rejection that I had become so accustomed to. As immature as it was, the silent treatment was Bella's greatest weapon. And I was pretty sure that she understood that. She realized how much she was a drug to me. Her cutting off all ties to me was a personal torture. All for her satisfaction.

The silence made me want to scream. After in continued for nearly a week, I had to break it. I made sure that I got out of the biology room before she did, so that she had no way to escape without passing me.

When Bella rounded the corner of the doorway, she saw me, turned on her heel, and headed the other direction. I ran after her and grabbed her by the arm and spun her to face me.

"Why are you doing this again?" I asked her in my angriest voice, which wasn't all that impressive, since I couldn't find anything to be angry with Bella over. And I didn't want to be angry with her.

"Why do you think?" Bella wondered, her eyes burning into mine. Her pissed off voice was far more convincing than mine. Probably because she didn't love me, and was more likely to be mad at me.

"Forgive me for being a male and having a statistically lower IQ than you females. You might have to enlighten me of the reason for your sudden distaste for me." My grip slightly loosened on her arm, but I didn't allow her to break eye contact with me. I was going to solve this with her. I just couldn't stand her hating me.

"Wow. For having a low IQ, you're fairly verbose," she noted. Leave it to Bella to observe anything. Including my IQ or lack there of.

"Please, just tell me," I begged. I had to know exactly which part of this annoyed her.

Her answer surprised me.

"I can't trust you, Edward," she replied in the smallest of voices, as if she didn't want to admit her confession. My heart seemed to stop right in its tracks. "I thought that you were someone that I can turn to, but I don't know if I can trust you anymore. You change around different people, Edward. When you're with me, you're this person who strives to be better than you used to be. Lately when you've been with Jessica, it seems like you just want more out of her."

My heart ached for her. What I was doing to Jessica wasn't what was bothering her. She was more offended by the sudden change in personality. Once again, the self-protection instinct had kicked in. She saw the red flags and backed away before she could get hurt again. I should have realized that with the questions she was asking herself about trusting Jacob, she might have taken every little thing into account when trying to trust me.

"You don't understand, Bella, I - "

"What don't I understand, Edward? I know that you don't care about Jessica. Just dump her already and get it over with. Don't turn into someone completely different just so you don't look like the bad guy. Instead of looking like the saint who lets his girlfriend break up with him, you end up looking like the liar. The one who pretends to be someone different, influenced by who's around him," she explained.

"Would it surprise you if I told you that you influence me and Jessica doesn't? Maybe that's why I act so different around her. After all, you were the one who called me ungrateful for what I have," I reasoned, knowing that it was a moot point, anyway. We both knew that she was right. She was always right. "Maybe you inspire me to be more grateful, but when I'm not around you, that inspiration isn't there. Have you ever thought of that?"

"Yes, in fact, I have," she said. "But I was right next to Jessica when you gave her that little pep talk about finding her classes without getting raped. Apparently, the inspiration wasn't with you there, but I was," she reminded me. And once again, never ceased to be correct in all of her facts.

"So, you're saying that this will all be better if I just break up with Jessica? Things will go back to normal, just like that?" I asked her.

"You're going to have to answer that. After all, you're the one who's turning into five million different people," she recalled.

"Two," I corrected her. "Two different people. So what? You want me to break up with Jessica? Fine. I will."

"And how do you plan on doing that?" she inquired, a challenging look in her eyes. And I accepted the challenge.

Not caring to look around at who was or wasn't watching, I took Bella's face in my hands, placing my lips square on hers. This time I knew it was her. No illusions of Bella, no Jessica being excited that I had kissed her out of the blue. Just Bella, who was stunned into stiffness at that particular moment. My left hand dropped down to her chin, tilting it ever so slightly towards my face. The other drifted to the back of her head.

I felt Bella slowly relax, recovering from the shock of my little surprise. The next thing I felt was her arms wrapping around my neck, Bella pulling herself closer to me. She willingly moved her mouth with mine, allowing my lips to part hers in a deeper kiss. It took me a moment to realize what all of these actions, seemingly insignificant to anyone else, meant to me.

Bella was kissing me back.


	13. Mixed Emotions

**AN: I know, I know, I know. It's been a while. And I'm sorry for that. I'm not going to sit here and make excuses because, well, excuses are lame and it still doesn't change the fact that I haven't updated in a while.**

**On the bright side, a lot of that time was used writing this. And it's a longer chapter than usual...  
**

**So here you go. Enjoy**

**I don't own Bella, Edward, blah blah blah, I like reviews, blah, blah, blah.  
**

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* * *

This is wrong, this is wrong, this shouldn't be happening,_ I thought, over and over. But that wasn't what I was feeling. In fact, after a certain point, my feelings made it impossible to even think. Whether it was about why I should continue kissing Edward in a way that made my head spin, or about why this was going against everything that I believed in.

A part of me wanted to slap Edward in the face for making this kind of move when he new that I clearly wanted nothing to do with any more romantic relationships. For making me miss being this close to someone in this kind of way. For making me regret ever thinking badly of him earlier, for making me ever think that I couldn't trust him.

Another part of me, and I didn't know whether it was more dominant or not, wanted to stay with him like this for hours, possibly days. I had known how Edward had felt for me for a while, but nothing felt better than actually feeling his affection. After what seemed like a life time of wondering if Jacob's love was actually there, feeling wanted by Edward sent a sense of comfort through my veins, pulsing heavily against my skin as I deepened every kiss willingly.

I became oblivious to everyone and everything around me as our tongues danced in synchronization. The only thing that was clear in my mind was the desire for more. I wanted every inch between Edward and myself to disappear, to be pressed against his muscular chest, to be wrapped in his unbreakable hold. As I felt Edward's arm slide down and wrap around my waist, I braided my fingers into his hair, willing his face to stay glued to mine.

One foggy realization did occur to me though, as I let Edward pass through every wall that I had built since Jacob had died. Edward's touch was somewhat cold. Back in Phoenix, despite the heat, Jacob's natural warmth was always soothing and welcoming. And now, here in one of the coldest towns I had ever set foot in, Edward's natural chill had more than the same effect. Instead of just sending a sense of calmness through me, Edward almost had a healing touch. It was as if his hands were natural ice packs and he was slowly healing a new burn.

And later, when I had thought about it, I realized that that was exactly what it was. Jacob had burned me, and left Edward to clean up his mess.

Only when the bell rang and I realized that I needed to be in Gym class did I come back to reality. The hallways were completely empty, but I was sure that quite a few people had gotten a glimpse of what had just happened between Edward and I. I was so glad that the weekend was approaching. I could only imagine what the reactions I was going to get out of my Gym class, let alone what would happen if I had to face _all _of my classes the next day.

"I don't think we have to worry about Jessica," Edward noted. "I've heard she doesn't exactly like being cheated on. And no doubt the news will get to her by the end of the day."

If Edward hadn't said that, I probably never would have remembered why we started kissing in the first place. But the reminder sent a chill down my spine.

"Oh my god! Jessica!" I exclaimed, panicking. I began running towards the student parking lot. I didn't hear the footsteps behind me, but I knew that Edward wasn't far behind me. I also figured that he could easily catch up with me, but was choosing to hold back and let me stay ahead, giving me any space that I might need.

When I reached my truck, I quickly fumbled with my keys to unlock the shotgun door, throwing my stuff in the passenger seat. I slammed the door shut and ran to the driver's side. That door was easier to unlock considering I already had the proper key wedged between my fingers. I flung the door open and was about to climb in when I felt Edward's gentle hand on my arm.

"Bella, what's wrong?" he asked, more concern spread on his face than I think I had ever seen.

"Jessica. I'm...sort of...her friend. If news gets back to her by the end of the day she'll track me down. You're right. She doesn't like being cheated on. And since _you_ were the one who asked _her_ out, she'll assume that all of this was _my_ fault and she'll come after me first. If I leave now, I have the weekend to plan some miraculous escape plan," I began explaining, huffing and puffing in my panic.

Edward pulled me into a soft, calming embrace that slowed my hyperventilated breathing. He stroked my back soothingly until he knew that I was solemn. Then he held me at an arms length and stared with his breath-taking green eyes into my sure-to-be-boring brown ones.

"You don't need to worry about anything. I'll take care of it. Just don't answer the phone if she tries to call you. When she calls me I'll tell her everything," Edward swore. I couldn't doubt his honesty with truthfulness blazing in his eyes with every word. "I'll tell her the truth. That I never really liked her to begin with. I'll tell her that I only went out with her to make you happy - "

"You what?!" I had to interject.

Edward rolled his eyes at me as if it should have been completely obvious.

"I don't think you'll realize exactly how far I'll go to make your world keep spinning," he began, edging into a more relaxed position beside me, leaning against my truck. "When you said that I needed to trust people more, I tried, just to show you that I could. I was willing to get some random girl's heart broken just to show you that I was capable of relationships. Fat lot of good it did me considering you could tell the whole time that I didn't trust Jessica one ounce," he further detailed, adding a little chuckle at the end.

I laughed along with him for a moment, before letting out a mournful sigh.

"What's wrong?" Edward wondered.

"I miss being that close to someone. Being able to feel the next motion in each other before executing it. Knowing exactly what the other person wants without having to say anything at all. Feeling wanted, appreciated...loved in a way that no one else could love," I explained.

"If you miss it so much, why do you sit there intentionally trying to stay away from it?" he inquired. I have to admit, it did take me a while to figure out why that half of me that didn't like what had just happened between Edward and I even existed.

"Because for all I know this is only physical," I hypothesized. "It's not that I exactly want to fall in love with anyone else, it's just that I miss the feeling of _being _loved. The closeness that comes with it. The feeling that there's nothing between you and someone else. For all I know, Mike Newton from my Spanish class could make out with me and I might like it. I don't know. Nor do I particularly want to explore that possibility."

"But that's what you have me for, right?" Edward joked. I knew he was kidding. But I wasn't.

"Yeah. That's what I have you for," I replied, no hint of humor in my voice. "I know it's not what you want, but could we try something like this just for now. No expectations. No ties. Just this," I requested, intertwining my fingers with his to make my point. I saw the disappointment on his face. He had already said that he would do anything for me, but this might have been asking a bit too much of him. "I'm not saying it'll stay like this forever, but I'm not making any promises either," I compromised.

"You don't have to ask twice. Whatever makes you happy, I'll do it," he agreed.

"Don't just do it for me, though. If you don't want it to be like this, you can just say no," I clarified.

"Hey, if it means possibly finding a way to get you to change your mind, giving me the chance of some sort of future with you, I couldn't think of a better way to spend my time," he declared.

I smiled slightly and Edward leaned in to kiss me softly. This time there was no shock, no surprise, no stunned stiffness. Just me, succumbing to the sweetness that washed over me as Edward's lips brushed mine. I immediately responded, slightly gliding my tongue along his lower lip until we were just about where we had been before the bell had rung earlier. The only thing that was different was that I was pressed between Edward and my truck, which just made me feel even closer to Edward than when it had been just him holding us together.

Edward pulled away slowly, and stopped me when I tried to follow him.

"If we want to get you out of here before Jessica kills you, we need to do it soon. You could follow me to my house if you want," he offered.

I gladly accepted, knowing I had nothing better to do for the rest of the day, and hopped into my truck, following Edward's Volvo out of the parking lot.

The entire drive to Edward's house I was trying to comprehend everything. Less than an hour ago I had been yelling at Edward about how untrustworthy he had become. Now I was driving to his house, wanting nothing more at the current moment that to have his lips on mine again, his touch slowly healing me until I didn't want to leave. It didn't make any sense to me how my mind could possibly change that fast. It was like pure seduction was enough to make me forget everything I had told myself. Everything I believed in.

Or thought I believed in.

I didn't have much time to ponder on that, for we were pulling into a long driveway, which led to a beautiful, timeless white house surrounded by trees and a lawn large enough to be a meadow. Edward wasn't kidding when he said that his family had a lot of money. That point was made as we pulled around to the garage, which was big enough to be another house. I had learned that Dr. Cullen drove a Mercedes, but that spot in the garage was vacant, since he was currently at the hospital, but the garage also housed a red M3 convertible and - to my sheer astonishment - an Aston Martin Vanquish.

Edward pulled into one of the empty spaces. I parked beside him, hoping that I would have left by the time whoever generally parked there came home. If anything long-term was going to happen between Edward and myself, I didn't want to start on the wrong foot with the rest of the family. I didn't know if a parking spot was a big deal to a Cullen, but I must have felt the need to worry because my heart was racing.

It might have been worry, but it might have also been the young man that was coming to open my door as I killed the engine.

Edward took my hand after helping me down from my truck, leading me back to the front of the house. He opened the door and gestured for me to enter first. I stepped through the doorway and suddenly stopped, needing the moment to absorb the beauty of the inside.

"Is there a problem?" Edward asked from behind me.

"Edward, your house is beautiful," I complimented as I admired the openness. There were windows everything and more space than anyone could ever imagine. A gymnast could probably do a full floor routine without worrying about breaking anything. And that was in the entryway alone.

I finally stepped forward and Edward came in close in tow, closing the door behind him.

"I'm glad you like it," he replied softly.

He placed his hands on either side of my waist and gently spun me around to face him. Before I knew it he moved us so he was in front me, pressing me against the door. He smiled his dazzling smile before kissing me long and hard. I could feel the smile in his lips as they crushed mine. His parted my mouth with his and a shiver ran down my spine. When he finally released me from the entrancement that he had led me into, I was gasping for air.

Edward held my face in his hands touching his forehead to mine.

"I wish there was something that I could do to make you feel the same way that I do. I love you more than even I can comprehend. No matter what we end up doing, whatever you end up deciding, never forget that," he whispered in an desirable, undeniable way.

"You don't have to remind me," I told him, tilting my head to kiss him again. And again. And again.

My heart was breaking from Edward's love as our bodies reacted to the ecstasy rushing through us. I knew he wanted me for a certain reason, but why did I want him? Whatever the reason was, I found myself underneath him on the comfy sofa in his living room, not wanting this magical sensation to stop. Nothing had felt better than lying in Edward's arms knowing that he wasn't going anywhere, that his love was ready for me if I ever chose to accept it.

Edward's hands moved from my back to the front of my shirt, tugging at it hesitantly. I knew why he was pausing. He didn't want this for the same reasons that I did. Despite the conflict of motivation, I lifted my shirt over my head. Edward only waited a split second before returning his lips to mine, tracing the frame of my body with gentle care. His kisses began trailing down my neck to my now-bare collar bone before returning back to my face.

We were so far from reality that we almost didn't hear Alice come in. Almost. Edward immediately jumped off of me and grabbed my shirt off of the floor, handing it to me. I pulled it on, blushing at the exposure.

"Good afternoon, Alice," Edward casually greeted her.

"It won't be for you pretty soon. Emmett and Rose were going to go to a movie after school. You've made them late by making them drop Jasper and I off," she explained. Right on cue, Jasper walked in.

"I just got off the phone with Carlisle. He's on his way home, so Bella should probably get out of his parking spot soon," he informed us.

"Yeah, um, I'll walk her out to her car," Edward concluded, standing up. He reached out his hand for mine and I took it. He led me back to the garage. "Do you think you could get back to your house from here?" he asked me.

"Yeah, once I get back to the main road I should be fine," I said.

Edward pulled me to him and kissed me one more time.

"You know I hate you for making me want you so much," he joked.

"Yeah, I know," I replied before hopping into my truck. I couldn't help but notice the pained look in his eyes as he watched me drive away.

But on top of that, I couldn't ignore the searing pain that I felt as I left him.


End file.
